The Latest

Kroger Leaves Mariano’s in Cardboard Box Labeled “Free to a Good Home”

“As attached as we’ve become to Mariano’s, someone out there is going to be his forever-home.”

Experts Warn Mariano’s Purchasing Jewel Could Put Too Much Strain on City’s Jazz Trio Population

CHICAGO — With grocery giant Kroger exploring purchasing its competitor, Albertsons, it seems likely that Kroger-owned Mariano’s will soon own Jewel-Osco.

Chicago Scientists Discover Extremophile Stock Boy in Mariano’s Trench

“Imagine a stock worker who can survive in the most extreme conditions,” recounted mission team leader Kyle Margarite, 44. “We’re talking no 15 minute breaks, plus it can be working in the walk-in beer freezer for hours without succumbing to the cold.”

Mariano's Customers Will Now Be Able to Dispose of Their Produce In-Store Immediately After Purchasing It

“At the end of the day, what sets us apart from the competition is that we provide a higher level of service,” said Artie Bulmer, 37, the head of service developments at Kroger, Mariano’s parent company. “And what our research tells us is that Mariano’s customers love buying produce of all shapes and sizes, but they absolutely hate waiting to throw it out until they get home.”