SOUTHPORT — A recent surge in lower-back pain amongst Chicago’s film bro population has caused high levels of concern amongst movie goers citywide. Thankfully, those who specialize in posture issues are ready to help those who were misguided enough to think the seats at the historic Music Box Theater would be able to cushion their backsides for the entire two hour and fifty nine minute film.
“Look, this theater was built in 1929. Back when people would be happy to get pierced in the butt by rusty springs if it meant they could see a moving picture on the screen. You have to see this in perspective.” Gabriel Losten, 24, Music Box Employee, expressed to the Genius Herald staff. “They opened this place two months before the Great Depression started. I think you’ll all be fine with a little minor, crippling back pain.”
Despite Losten’s dismissals, the Music Box has offered free chiropractic consultations going along with all tickets sold for Beau is Afraid. Managers of the historic theater are also offering consultations with top injury lawyers for those brave enough to sit through any movie marathons. Bart Scoffly, 34, recently complained to the theater that due to the hard edges of the seats, he is not able to father any children. “They told me I could be liable for compensation,” Scoffly explained. “However, they also muttered that any dope dumb enough to sit through 72 hours of 80’s slashers maybe shouldn’t pass along any DNA to the future generations.”
However, some die-hard Music Box fans consider the aching buttocks a badge of honor for any cinefile. “If you didn’t go through real pain while experiencing the art of film, did you really experience the film?” Conrad Feldskin, 23, scoffed when questioned about the matter. “Pain is what makes life all the more beautiful, and isn’t that what film is really about?” He failed to mention that he’s never felt the pain of menstrual cramps, bra wires, or childbirth, but we’ll let that slide for now.
For those of whom who aren’t deterred by the prospect of sitting on loose screws held together by popcorn dust and a dream, good luck. Just know that when you hobble out onto Southport, with only yourself to blame for your actions, you have somewhere to turn. For the patrons who’d rather see a movie and also enough time left in the day to do laundry and eat a meal, maybe consider checking out literally any other film.