EDGEWATER — Although his pandemic experience has largely been defined by slowly coming to grips with the howling void that exists at the heart of the American Dream, sources are reporting that Dave Yugga, 32, is apparently planning to stop thinking about that in any capacity once the government declares the pandemic over sometime this summer.
Instead of working towards a fairer world with the insight he got during the 11 months he spent housebound, the marketing coordinator says that he’ll probably just replace those moments of self-reflection with about 30 minutes of jawing with his coworkers about old reruns of The Office he’ll watch after his hour-and-a-half long commute back from the Loop each night that leaves him too drained to do anything else.
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“I went through a lot of phases during the pandemic,” said Yugga. “First there was the ‘oh this’ll all blow over phase,’ which lasted a few months. Then there was the ‘man this is getting really serious’ phase, followed by the ‘no just government would allow this to happen’ phase which kind of rolled into the ‘my job is stupid and monstrous’ phase, which really helped me figure out that everything I’d been working toward—home ownership, a steady job, a nice wardrobe—were all just artificially constructed brass rings designed to keep me on the treadmill that benefits the elite to a degree I’ll never have even a shadow of a hope of experiencing.”
“So naturally I’m trying to blast all of that out of my head by seeing Jim stick Dwight’s stapler in a green Jell-O mold,” he added.
“With the pandemic winding down in a completely arbitrary sense,” he admitted, “I have to choose what I’m going to take forward with me into 2022 and beyond. When I really thought about it, I didn’t feel like my deep anger and disgust at the failures of a government that was entirely bound to the will of a rapidly unraveling economic system was sustainable if I wanted to buy a condo and get hitched before I’m 40. Plus isn’t it hilarious when Kevin drops the chili?”
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“It’s safe to say I felt repulsive looking at myself in the mirror every day since I started lockdown once I realized all I was doing was making sure I was changing the phrase ‘the pandemic’ to ‘the ongoing COVID-19 situation,’” explained Yugga. “And believe me, I’d really like to maintain that. But when push comes to shove, I really can’t afford to fuck up my relationship with the place that’s giving me dental insurance now.”
“Everyone else seems like they’re planning to forget about the half a million people and growing that the government let die for pretty much no reason except to ensure that a startup that uses the blockchain to determine what endangered species it should lower into a wood chipper every hour has a chance in the open marketplace,” said Yugga. “I have to keep conversation topics limited to Michael Scott’s crazy antics from now on or else I might get so angry I’ll actually have to do something about it.”
“I guess I should also steer clear of that final season of The Office as well,” he concluded. “When they make the cameraman like a character? And he has like, a thing with Pam? What the hell were they thinking with that.”
