As Pride Month Ends, City Bids Farewell to Gay Chicagoans

July 1, 2022

BOYSTOWN — Chicago City Ordinance dictates that each July 1st, every member of the LGBTQIA+ community must return back from whence they came, dragging their boas behind them. “You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here,” says an exhausted, overglittered, allied-out city. 

It’s a Chicago tradition that sits alongside quirky little Windy City things like left turns on red, no ketchup on hot dogs, and beer available at all hours of the day, in every type of establishment. 

Our reporters dug into the impact of this annual vanishing act: “It’s hard to see them go,” local Straight Friend Maxwell Harris, 27, admitted. “But it’s just the way things are done around here.” He bemoaned the loss of his “friend of Dorothy” chums. “Now I have to go 11 months without a single popper, and I’m not talkin’ jalapeño.” 

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While we’re all sad to see such a rapid decline in June-only accessories like homemade strawberry earrings and Rina Sawayama jockstraps, this isn’t just a social issue. It’s a financial one, too. Corporations are only interested in being allies in the the one month of gay Rumspringa. 

Kaitlyn Field, 23, has had their bags packed for weeks. “We knew our time here couldn’t be long, but that’s what makes it even more special. Luckily, I’m also Filipino, so I had all of AAPI month in May to hang out, before I cease to exist…on this planet that is.” Field then did a very ominous chuckle that left our reporters a bit shaken. 

The sale of iced coffee, yarn, and vegan small-batch leather harnesses are predicted to plummet now that the gays are gone. Farmers markets are now at 30% of their normal capacity, and drag brunches, now rebranded as “Breeder Buffets,” must rely on the appeal of their waffles alone. 

“I hope you enjoyed your month, homos!” Mayor Lightfoot shouted from the CPD Pride Parade Float, waving gigantic banners that demanded in glittery, rainbow font: “Back to the Isle of Lesbos, Lesbians! Back to Fire Island you go, Twinks!” 

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