CDC Says Vaccinated Americans Can Go Unmasked Outdoors, But Should Keep Metaphorical Masks On Lest The World See The Beast Within

CHICAGO — With vaccine distribution reaching “eh, good enough” levels and businesses reopening, the CDC has released new guidelines hot on the heels of last week’s announcement that vaccinated adults could start going maskless outside. To clarify this previous announcement, the CDC has reminded Americans that even outdoors, they should continue to wear their metaphorical masks, lest the world see the beast within.

“Even before we all spent a year traumatized and alone, the average American contained some sort of darkness within,” said Dr. Obi Wendalen, 55, head of Metapsychology for the CDC, “but coming out of this pandemic these internal manifestations of our darkness—be they a beast or a monster or a skeleton giving everyone the finger—have gotten especially strong and long to break out, revealing themselves to the world.”

While the updated CDC guidelines would allow for the fully vaccinated to go outside maskless even in group settings so long as social distancing is followed, the new addendum would encourage vaccinated Americans to keep the same hollow eyes and pasted-on smile that’s allowed the monster they truly are to go unnoticed in polite company. The CDC has recommended that the only good time to take off your metaphorical mask is when you’re “absolutely alone, bathed in darkness,” or “when shit gets real.” 

“Even with the CDC’s announcement,” said Dr. Wendalen, I offer the same advice to all American’s that I offer to myself in the mirror every morning: ‘never let them see who you really are or they’ll all turn on you at once.’ That’s just the best health advice I can offer!”

Critics of the CDC’s handling of the pandemic have again latched onto this update as a sign of inconsistent handling by the health agency. 

“Masks are useless, masks are vital, masks are fine here but not there, show the people closest to you the truth of the madness buried deep inside you, don’t show people the madness buried deep inside, which is it?” said Steve Winstermere, 46, fully vaccinated and unemployed. “I thought it would be ok to take off this placid guise I wear to the office everyday, but wow, people didn’t like seeing ‘the real me.’ Thanks, CDC.”

To ensure Americans were clear on new guidelines, the CDC has included a new visual guide on its website, showing a figure following protocol by being maskless in an outdoor, social setting as well as a figure not following protocol by getting down on all fours in an outdoor, social setting and growling “THE MOON IS HIGH, BROTHERS, WHO WILL HUNT WITH ME?” 

As the public absorbs these new guidelines, the CDC requests that anyone who experiences an acquaintance or relation letting loose the beast without knowing to give them a pass this one time.

Want the best of The Chicago Genius sent straight to your inbox? Sign up below.