Chicagoans Rejoice! Malort is Now Whole30-Compliant
Your coworker is doing it. Your aunt is doing it. Your roommate, neighbor, and landlord are all doing it. Yes, it’s Whole30: the uber-restrictive diet that always seems to make a resurgence in popularity at the start of the year. Featuring strict bans on sugar, grains, dairy, and legumes for 30 days straight, Whole30 has become an increasingly popular trend for health-focused new year’s resolutions. But in Chicago, this diet has always been nearly impossible to maintain. How can one be expected to abstain from grains, dairy, and sugar in the city of Italian beef, deep dish, and caramel corn? Though it will still pose a challenge, a new development just made Whole30 a lot easier for Chicagoans: Jeppson’s Malort is now Whole30-Compliant.
Epic health win!
The iconic Chicago liqueur that every Chicagoan drinks all the time is now officially allowed during Whole30, according to a blog post on the Whole30 website published at the beginning of the year. Despite the fact Whole30 typically has an unwavering “no alcohol” rule, Malort is officially the first and only alcoholic drink to shatter the barrier.
“Normally, we don’t condone the consumption of alcohol during a Whole30 cleanse,” reads the blog post published by Whole30 co-creator Melissa Hartwig Urban. “However, Jeppson’s Malort contains wormwood, which can help restore much-needed nutrients to the digestive tract while one is undergoing a cleanse.”
The blog continues, “furthermore, this drink is uniquely delicious. Malort features notes of propane with a bitter, almost Christmas tree-like aftertaste that Chicagoans crave. We happen to think Malort tastes like what we imagine Sonic the Hedgehog’s piss would taste like, which would be very good since he is the good guy in his video game. Malort is a natural addition to all of the other delicious foods and drinks you’ll find in the Whole30 pantry.”
Dieting has never been this easy!
Needless to say, the company that produces Malort, CH Distillery in West Loop, is thrilled by this new development.
“None of us had ever even heard of Whole30 before,” admits Martin Hampel, a brand representative from CH. “But whatever it is, we’re glad that it’s giving people more reasons to drink Malort. Literally any new reason is so good for us.”
Malort being compliant with Whole30 is big news for health fanatics, and some dieters have already started incorporating more of the bask liquor into their routines.
“I’m not gonna lie, the first three days of Whole30 were really rough,” says Lucy Grapples, a resident of River North. “I was completely miserable and hungry all of the time. All of that changed on day four when a friend of mine told me I could drink Malort. I was so thrilled! What started as a few sips with dinner eventually turned full-on shots with every meal. Now twenty days in, I take a double-shot of Malort every hour on the hour daytime and nighttime. I’m happy to share that I have been dangerously drunk for weeks and I can’t stop vomiting.”
Talk about a cleanse!
Being able to drink Malort during Whole30 is a total gamechanger for the city that just can’t get enough of this stuff. While Whole30 used to ruin a participant’s social life, health freaks from Rogers Park to Beverly now have options when they’re out with friends.
So, Chicago Whole30ers, grab your tupperware meals, fill your pockets with raw nuts for snacking, and get on down to your local dive bar for a fun and healthy night. Remember, the 10th shot is better than the 1st!