GRANT PARK — In an effort to save his job and salvage the 2020 season, deranged Chicago Bears Head Coach Matt Nagy has cobbled together a monstrous new starting quarterback in his secret laboratory beneath Soldier Field.
The hulking, seven-foot tall flesh golem known only as “Franken-Sid” was pieced together by Nagy from the shattered remains of battered quarterbacks Mitchell Trubisky and Nick Foles, along with additional spare parts Nagy already had around his lab. Eye witnesses report a frenzied Nagy screaming, “It lives! It lives!” from a Faraday cage assembled from discarded facemasks shortly after lightning struck the south goalpost.
Nagy hopes his abomination can help reverse the Bears’ fortunes after the team squandered a 5-1 start by going winless in November. “He’s a mindless passing machine,” said Nagy, “I built him without a brain so he’d be both concussion-proof and a slight improvement in football IQ over Trubisky.” The creature, which has no ability to feel pain and no self-preservation instinct was designed specifically with the Bears’ offensive line in mind.
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Bears players do not expect team chemistry to be an issue, with several players noting that Franken-Sid’s thousand-yard stare and slack jaw would make for a smooth transition from the Trubisky era. “It’s an exciting time to be a Bear,” said tight end Cole Kmet, “I’m looking forward to dropping passes from him.”
At press time, it is unclear whether the monstrosity would be available to start for the Bears against the Lions Sunday, as it is currently holding out for more money under the advice of agent Drew Rosenhaus.
“If you want the next Pat Mahomes, you’ve gotta pay for it,” said Rosenhaus, “This time next year, you’re going to see this freakish bundle of leaking scar tissue on your Wheaties Box.”