Six Dead After Brutal Lou Malnati's and Giordano's Feud Reignites

Two households, both alike in dignity,
In fair Chicago, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny, 
Where secret sauce makes personal pans unclean.

From forth the deep-dished loins of these two enemies,
A pair of star-crossed lovers take their life;
Where once t’was sausage ‘gainst pepperoni,
This secret marriage would be their strife.

T’was a lowborn Malnati who first broke the trust,
Designing, lo, such a villainous act;
When a Giordano was seen, he bit his crust,
Alighting their feud, forfeiting their pact.

Thanks to our sponsors:

But anon, brash Antony Giordano would’st view,
That visage yond wast Gina Malnati’s.
And at this meet, lovers were made anew,
For both were known as “certified hotties.” 

Upon discovery of their births,
The two knew secrets must be kept,
For both their houses would’st move Earths
To slay the one with whom kin slept.

One source reporteth he did partake
In o’erhearing Antony’s song released
Quothe he, “What heat beyond yonder oven bakes?
T’is not the sun, but Gina’s East!”

Their love burned hot as pizza stone,
Their skin as smooth as olive oil,
But when unknown love becameth known,
Their families’ tensions reached their roil. 

A decade’s peace went into remission
When t’was found out they had lain,
For Antony refused a challenge in vile submission,
Which ended with his cousin slain.

When his cousin began to wail,
He did peek what he hath wrought,
His blood ran hot and he did assail
That member of his lover’s lot.

The streets ran red like marinara,
The bodies layered such as shredded cheese,
Antony knew he must beware
A retaliation, and was forced to flee.

Gina could not bear to face
Her life without her lover. 
Her wine with poison she did lace,
When asked to wed another.

Antony, upon hearing such unhappy news,
Assumed her death, when yet she dreamed.
He bought and drank a case of brews
In anguish for his love supreme.

When later she woke to find him dead,
She grabbed a nearby pizza cutter,
And with air pungent as garlic bread,
Sliced through her flesh like warmèd butter.

Though sad, this tale’s but a common refrain
Two warring teams beset by pox;
For a diff’rent audience it’ll bear the name
Of Cubs against White Sox.

Follow us

Sign up for the best of The Chicago Genius sent straight to your inbox.