A Somber John Kass Has Asked to Be Excused From the Dinner Table Because He Thought About an Imaginary Leftist and Spoiled His Appetite

CHICAGO — In response to his wife Betty’s request that they “simply have a nice dinner with the boys, no politics allowed,” Chicago Tribune columnist John Kass has reportedly put down his forkful of tuna casserole because he has imagined a left-leaning political advocate and quite lost his appetite.

“I’m sorry,” Kass is reported to have mumbled after a full ten minutes of silence elapsed without responding to his wife’s question of whether he liked the casserole or not. “I have thought about a leftist whose politics don’t align with my own and no longer wish to eat. May I be excused?” According to sources close to the action, Kass then stood up without waiting for an answer and withdrew to his Fulminating Chambers on the top floor of his three-flat, where he often goes when a Saturnine countenance overtakes him.

Kass’s sojourns to his Chambers have increased exponentially since he was moved off of the Tribune’s vaunted page two in late July, which he had occupied for the past 23 years following the death of previous conservative blowhard Mike Royko. 

According to sources, Kass has shut himself in his Fulminating Chambers seven times over the last month alone before this, because he stepped in dog shit, was asked to take out the trash, wasn’t able to listen to the Chicago White Sox broadcast on his radio, remembered he was diabetic and couldn’t eat peaches anymore, his neighbor didn’t thank him for his prized Kass Onion Soup, he saw a poor person and he thought about a scary bee, respectively.

“I think the isolation has really been wearing on him,” said deputy Tribune editor Sally Loraine, 32. “He’s always been kind of a weird, morose man but at least when he was working downtown and living in Western Springs you could kind of talk him down when he started hyperventilating about a fake person with seventeen piercings and dyed green hair who was threatening to firebomb the TGI Friday’s on Erie Street.”

“He’d get all fired up saying, ‘I hate Chicago, I hate living here, I want to withdraw to my Fulminating Chambers,’ and you could be like, ‘John, what are you doing, that’s a 55 minute drive away from here and it’s only 3 p.m., take an antacid or something,’ and he’d kind of back down,” Loraine continued. “But now that he’s within easy access of it there’s just no controlling the guy.”

As of press time Kass was reportedly plinking away on some stupid little column calling on Mayor Lightfoot to establish a Dream Force arm of the Chicago Police Department to apprehend the diabolical leftist he was letting run roughshod through his entire imagination.

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