BUENA PARK—In stark contrast to the chaotic scene swirling all around him in Jewel Osco, reports are surfacing that area man Frank Bulliano, 42, is just buying the normal amount of groceries today.
“Let’s see, what do I got in here,” Bulliano said when reporters from The Chicago Genius Herald reached him in the produce section, where two men were involved in an altercation over a Fuji apple with no bruises on it. “Got a couple of potatoes here, some chuck roast, a bag of those cheese and sour cream Lay’s even though they give me the farts real bad...some other stuff too but Sheila’s planning on making a pot roast this week.”
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When asked how many grocery stores he’d visited today, Bulliano seemed perplexed. “I mean this is the one...me and the missus live right up the road. So this is kind of the one we go to. Every once in a while if we’re feeling really crazy we’ll go to that big Whole Foods on Halsted, but that’s mostly for the people watching. We don’t go in for all that corporate-organic stuff.”
As he witnessed a shopper sweep an entire shelf of frozen Red Baron pizzas into her cart, Bulliano gave a sage nod of approval. “Ooh, been there,” he said. “I dunno what they put in those Red Baron frozen pizzas but I really can’t help myself around ‘em neither.”
Genius Herald reporters asked if Bulliano was planning on buying any sundries such as paper towels or hand soap. “Nah,” he said. “We got a couple bars at home and a few rolls of paper towels besides. Oughta pick up some TP while I’m here but I don’t really feel like carrying it.”
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“No problem,” he concluded as he got in line behind a man buying 14 bottles of Jameson Irish whiskey. “Not like the store’s gonna pick up and move away or nothin’. I can always come back.”
