“We hope history will judge us kindly when the next generation of malware is decimated by a missile with teeth fired from the righteous ordnance mounted in MetalGreymon’s rippling pectoral muscles.”

Kids looking to skip the traditional — and let’s be honest, underwhelming — flowers or candy or “getting to see her children” gifts they might have turned to in prior years can now place a bid on the Thompson Center through the Illinois Department of Central Management Services, first come, first served!

The prestigious University, which hosts more than twenty thousand students annually, had previously this month said it would not require vaccinations, but changed its policy after remembering how gross college kids are.

The study was extensive. Of Chicago’s 2.71 million residents, 542,000 participated, or 18/360ths of the city’s population. Canvassers went door to door asking Chicagoans to reduce fractions and finish fraction related phrases, such as: ‘My favorite item at McDonald’s is the ___ pounder with cheese’.

“We’ve decided to open our hearts even to birds that have weird scraggly beaks or dust-colored feathers,” announced bird protector Andrew Mingus, 43, at a press conference Saturday. “We may hate and revile them, but I guess they deserve a spot on the beach too.” ​

Online addiction is a serious issue that people around the world face, especially in this shutdown year where everyone was locked inside their house with nothing else to do. In this same year, many of us learned about the dangers of the internet, so people want to wean themselves off of it. The first step to doing that, of course, is to post about it online. Here is a helpful guide to fighting your online addiction by posting about it online.

According to locals in the Jackson Park area, Barack Obama, 59, a failed community organizer and autofiction book author who hasn’t lived in Chicago or even Illinois since 2005, is throwing some serious cash around to build the Barack Obama Presidential Center near the University of Chicago campus.

"I’m just so cute, it’s pretty hard for me not to get a treat, you know? Now I look like a fucking hair-covered blimp!"

“They’re popping out along the vine left and right, fully stitched!” exclaimed Cubs Head Gardener Felix Begonia, 75. “We’ve never had a season with this much baseball fruit. If we were fully operational, this would be a gift. We’d be handing out grilled baseballs to the fans, selling them oven-ready at the farmers’ market!”

“Especially with older beaches, those don’t tend to get a lot of love. People come in asking for the shiny new beach, leaving older ones like this one here unnoticed. But there was a happy ending today, and we’re here to celebrate that.”