Ah, the “Man Cave”. Every man needs a place where he can relax away from it all. “A room of one’s own” as noted writer Virginia Wolfe called it. But Wolfe probably didn’t have access to vintage neon beer signs or a 72” flat screen TV with surround sound and a full cable package of all the sports, so if she could see a modern Man Cave, she’d spit out her beer! A Man Cave should make you feel like the Sensei of your own Dojo or a regular at a TGIFridays where all the waitresses flirt with you. But we’re not all interior decorators, Mark*, and some of us need a little “guydance” from the pros to get our Man Cave in order!
But how do you take your Man Cave to the next level? Well here’s the word from our in-house “mansplainers”: The Man Cave is out and the Man Labyrinth is in! Check out these tips to turn your “room of one’s own” from a humdrum half-finished basement where you and your buddies watch the big game to a seemingly-endless maze of passageways that houses a gruesome monster!
- Change the Floor Plan! - Modern home decor preaches “open floor plans” and knocking down walls to open up spaces, but to give your Man Cave that “dank stone maze that no one can escape, especially not the monster it was built to imprison” feel, you’re actually going to want to add walls! Bonus if you can DIY yourself a complicated system of gears, ropes, and magic so the walls randomly change place every so often, making escape from the maze - especially by the heartless beast that lives at its center - virtually impossible!
- Lighting is Key! - This is a stone prison of twisting passageways that keeps a terrifying evil for roaming the world indiscriminately killing the innocent, not your living room, so make sure you’re lighting it right! You’re going to want it to be real dim in there, growing darker as you reach the deepest bowels where the beast doth dwell. Maybe have some handy torches and brazers for some fun accent lighting!
- Don’t be Afraid to Decorate! - Sure, that neon Bud sign or NFL poster looks good in your typical Man Cave, but try to look for something that says “abandon hope all ye who enter here, the beast whom dwelleth within will seal your doom.” Skulls, medieval weaponry, chains, scratch marks made by the terrifying creature that calls these winding halls home; the sort of things that will have your boys saying “are we safe?” No, they’re not!
- Find Fun Furnishings! - A Lazyboy and overstuffed couch might be the mainstays of the Man Cave, but here’s a fun twist: bloodstained stone. Simply start with simple slabs of stone arranged in a couch shape, and before you know it those bad boys will be stained in the blood of the victims of the brutal beast that only feels rage and hate and demands a sacrifice lest it break free to seek more blood for its insatiable hunger.
- Add a Dash of You! - At the end of the day, your Man Cave - be it a little room where you can go and look at your high school trophies or an eerie complex of traps and passageways that holds a terrifying secret - is yours! Don’t be afraid to express who you are! If you like brewing beer, maybe invest in a keg fridge. If you like sports, make room for a foosball table. The only thing you should be afraid of is that one day the horrifying monster will escape the maze, and then it will come for it’s captor. It will never forget, nor will it stop its hunt.
*My friend Mark is always bragging about his interior design business. WE GET IT, MARK.
