HOUSTON, TX — Stating that he was happy to dip from this absolute toilet bowl of a Midwestern hellhole for a little bit, local crank Leif Rockwell, 32 is reportedly very excited to get the opportunity to light up another real pisspile of a city during his upcoming work trip to Houston.
“I hate Chicago more than anyone,” said Rockwell, a senior consultant for a local urban design advocacy group. “I hate the streets, I hate the public transit, I hate the weather...but lately it’s all seemed a little rote, you know? Like when I tell my friends at the bar that I’d rather be turned into a pissed-in pair of slacks and set on fire than take the Brown Line at rush hour again, do I really mean that? Or do I just want people to think I mean that? Y’know?”
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“Anyway,” he concluded before hocking an enormous loogie onto the sidewalk outside George Bush International Airport, “this city looks like a taint and smells even worse so I’m excited.”
“I think this’ll be really good for Leif,” said his fiancé, local baker Alan Wythe, 29. “No one hates Chicago like he does. Sure, no one likes it when some dick in a Tesla makes a hard right on red and almost sideswipes you as you’re crossing the crosswalk. But only Leif has the fury to note that it should be legal to snap off one of their sideview mirrors with a ball-peen hammer as a punishment for doing so. That’s just what makes him one of the greats.”
“Well I can’t say I always...agree with Mr. Rockwell’s colorful commentary on our city,” said Rockwell’s boss Angelo Aglione. “As I recall he took to Twitter recently to call the Six Corners in Wicker Park ‘an anus-shaped war crime that deserves to be tried at the urban design version of The Hague.’ But as long as the work gets done I suppose I’m not one to make a lot of hay about his personal opinions.”
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When asked if he’d ever consider leaving Chicago however, Rockwell seemed appalled by the very thought. “Are you kidding me?” he said. “Chicago might be a dump that deserves to get swallowed up by a gigantic sinkhole, but have you looked at Houston? Their entire city center is entirely surrounded by highways!!! What kind of buck-toothed moron planned that?”
“At least in Chicago I have the option of using a failing public transit system that makes me want to rip my brainstem out or take my life into my own hands and get pulverized while—God forbid—biking to my destination.”
