LINCOLN PARK – One popular brunch spot, Waffles & Wine, announced a new deal for those looking to treat their mom on the darkest day of the year for food service workers, Mother’s Day. For just $300 plus tax, tip, and a signed waiver, they will get your mom the drunkest she’s ever been.
“Being a mom is hard, probably,” said Daniel Vanderglass, 38, manager of Waffles & Wine, “so we just wanted to give moms a place where they could cut loose and get so drunk they forget the lifetime of crushing responsibility and obligation they’ve lived. That’s what inspired this year’s promotion, ‘Mimosas so Bottomless, Your Mom Will Get Topless’”.
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Well intentioned daughter, Emily Groffman, 36, sighed into her $18 oatmeal parfait, “We just wanted to do something nice for her. Now she’s loudly screaming ‘I Will Always Love You’ into a microphone she somehow found. This place doesn’t even do karaoke”
Hopped up on sparkling wine and citrus, moms visiting the twee, “barn-inspired” brunch establishment were seen quickly devolving: losing control of the volume of their voice, engaging in impromptu singing and/or crying, and spilling tea in the literal way and the slang way that white Millennials stole from drag culture.
Unfortunately this isn’t a rare phenomenon, brunch veteran of W&W, Carmen Alvarez, 40, assures our reporters. “We see this every year. Women who are so excited to let loose on Mother’s Day that they accidentally let slip devastating family lore. Every staff member has to take bets on how long a table will last without devolving into tears.”
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“It’s pretty common practice,” Alvarez sighs. “Halfway through the Meal, she’ll casually reveal that you were a mistake, marrying your dad was a mistake, as was ordering this crab benedict.”
According to Vanderglass, the promotion was a huge success this year, and they plan to expand it to a Father’s Day deal entitled, “BBQ & Beer with your Dad till he gets so drunk he says he loves you.”
