OLD TOWN – Following a fall from grace of epic proportions, Foxtrot has untucked its foxy tail from between its legs and begun reopenings of stores throughout the Chicago area. Like a resurgence of Cholera, the reappearance of the luxury food market is jarring and unexpected. But officials from Foxtrot swear they’ve changed their ways, and are “going to be a more supportive partner from here on out, or we mean um, store.”
“I gotta say, I’ve heard these kinds of promises before, and I’m not convinced.” Lincoln Park Local and Dater Of Trash Men, Sasha Pavarti, 27, revealed to the CGH team. “They’re always like ‘baby I took a Skillshare course about expressing my feelings, and I’ll never cheat on you again.’ I’ll believe it when I see it.”
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Like a deadbeat boyfriend begging for one more chance right before they ghost you, Foxtrot seemingly has no conception of the reputation they left behind. “I was one of the many people who got fired without notice.” Caleb Gunster, 21, lamented. “Sure, we were able to take whatever product we wanted on our way out, but there's only so much Organic Probiotic Raspberry Hummus can do to pay your bills and soothe your heart.”
Will Foxtrot be able to win back the hearts of Chicago’s uber-wealthy after such a sudden disappearance last spring? Only time will tell. “I personally don’t like to conflate a company’s actions with my loyalty to them as a consumer,” Jayden Aguilar, 29, boasted to our reporters. “That’s why I only care about the product, not the face behind it.” They then swiftly exited with their Starbucks in hand, to unlock their brand new Tesla, and unfriended us on X.com
“It just seems a little too soon,” Pavarti circled back. “First they leave us hanging with vague explanations, and then they want to come crawling back?” We filled Pavarti in that her involvement in this interview would earn her a 10 dollar gift card to said company. “Oh, well in that case, all is forgiven. I need to get a pack of gum anyway.”
