AVONDALE—In a shocking reveal that has left many in the community of 3220 N. Sacramento Ave., Apt. 2 reeling and unsteady, evidence has come to light that indicates Dave, 23, has had a car this entire time and never told anyone. What the shit.
Dave, a modern day Judas who works at a local nonprofit, finally got caught tugging off his dirty little dick earlier on Sunday when he let slip that he had to go to his girlfriend’s house up in Edgewater to move his car before street cleaning. Realizing he’d completely screwed the pooch, he immediately started trying to cover his lame little ass and saying it was actually her car, prompting a resounding chorus of “Bro! Bro! Suck my ass, bro!” from his roommates Kyle, 24, Mason, 22, Tyler, 23 and Thorvald, 42.
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The Benedict Arnold of Avondale then proceeded to offer a lot of mealy-mouthed bull crap about how he doesn’t really like to use his car “since the public transit here is so robust” which prompted another round of boos and jeers before Kyle repeated what he’d said back to him in a nasally dumb guy voice, which he normally only reserves for when Dave asks him not to ash his Pickle Rick one-hitter in the toilet.
“I thought Dave was a bro, but this really cranks it for me,” said a distraught Mason. “I bailed on Greta Van Fleet the last time they played the Rosemont Theatre because I didn’t want to take the blue line all the way up there, and when I told Dave this he just said, ‘damn man, that sucks’ like he couldn’t do anything about it, when he totally could’ve.”
Dave, a freaking Brutus of the highest caliber, has long been in the doghouse for being a killjoy, bummer and stick in the mud. Prior to what’s being referred to as “Cargate,” Dave had previously requested that Kyle and Tyler not play Dark Wigglers while Dave’s girlfriend Carly, 27, was over even though it’s their favorite bonding activity, and totally freaked out when Thorvald accidentally stripped the finish from his shitty little dutch oven by boiling his work socks in it. In short, Dave has been a major lame-ass for a long time, and homies close to the situation are disappointed, but not surprised.
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“Is hard thing,” said Thorvald upon waking up at 4:30 p.m. the day after Cargate. “You want to be bro, but how are you going to be bro to bro who is not being bro in first place? Is not the way. Not very bro.”
For his part, Dave has parked his Ethel Rosenberg-looking ass in his room and refuses to come out, while loudly remarking about how many nice places he could afford to move to. Not very bro indeed.
