It’s Time for Illinois to Give Back to Its Business Community—in Blood
The past months have been hard on us all, Chicago. We have seen the chaos and tragedy of the COVID-19 pandemic affect our community daily, and our thriving, “big-shouldered” economy is shrinking faster than ever. As the CEO of Portillo’s and lieutenant to Beelzebub, I have withstood this great onslaught, and seen things that would turn your hair white. It’s time for Illinoisans to pay us back for this service—with their blood.
Our local businesses, Portillo’s among them, have stayed open through this health crisis to provide Illinois with any temporary boon we could. We have endured agonizing, restrictive measures that hurt our bottom line and widespread panic that drained our normal traffic to a trickle. So now the time has come, Illinois. Your sacrifice must be great to please us. May the Chicago River be dyed red with your offerings, and may the wind in our city carry your screams of torment to the farthest water crib in Lake Michigan!
You may argue that my position is extreme—that Illinoisans themselves have already died in the tens of thousands during this crisis and do not deserve to die for the economy. To you I rejoin: of course you deserve to die. You are destined to be the wheat before the blade of my scythe, the gristle between my teeth. I, Zagam, Vice-President of Hell and Archduke of Meat Torture, along with the rest of Illinois’ business community, do not request your blood. We demand it.
We all want things to return to normal. You, perhaps, would like to escape from the horrific death cult in which you find yourself, and I would like to return to my 35 legions in Pandemonium to dream up additional nightmares of grilled onions and chocolate cake. We can only do this together, Illinois. We will do our part by maintaining an iron grip on your collective psyche, and you will do yours by inscribing the signs of power and freeing your blood to splash joyfully upon the ground.
At Portillo’s, as in Hell, we say “Get Obsessed.” Now, more than ever, you must. Enter the brainless state of the True Abyss and give unto us your will. And then, of course, your blood.