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The Beleaguered Friends Of Performers

If We Come To Your Theatre Company's Fundraiser, We Want You To Promise You Won't Do Any Weird Plays In 2020

You cannot call us up on stage during an “experimental” theater piece if you are going to make. Us. Wear. Your. Clothes. And. Pretend. To. Be. Your. Own. Cat. Who. Is. In. Heat. We are not doing that!!!

Tabitha Chandry

So Your Dog Can Wear Boots And Sweaters But Can’t Ask Me Any Polite Follow-Up Questions About My Hand Loom?

It’s just an interesting double standard, Beth, that your dog can wear a sweater on its chest and four boots on its hooves but can’t ask me any polite follow-up questions about my hand-looming practice.

King Solomon

A Compromise: We Can Solve This CPS Labor Dispute By Cutting All The Students in Half

To solve this strike we must take a large, ceremonial sword and cut every student enrolled in public school in half, but on a horizontal plane, not vertical because they’d all die. If we just cut off their legs, only some will die, but others will thrive as my plan makes Chicago’s public school system the envy of the world. 

Delia Loufringo

Every Time My Hair Gets Pulled In The Bedroom, I End Up In The Kitchen Making French Cooking

How many times has this happened to you? Things are getting a little hot and heavy in the boudoir, and you tell your current partner it’s okay if they want to get a little rough with you.

Marcus Pencil

Want To Improve Safety In Our Schools? Let Me Bring My Katana To Class

M’ladies and gentlemen of the venerable Student Council, I am but a humble man.

Tabor McPike

5-ingredient Dirt

C'mere! Do ya ever find yerself in need of a thunderous good meal betwixt yer mornin' whiskey bender and yet evenin' blowin' up a hillside?

Anna Hart and Edmund Pathfinder

Point/Counterpoint: Jamie Is Still out There Somewhere in the Snow Time

In his heart, Jamie knew the risks. He made a sacrifice - the ultimate sacrifice - so that he could get you, Anna, to safety.

Richard Hardshaft

What Stops a Bad Guy With a Gun? A Good Guy Who’ll Suck Him Off

I personally fantasize about what would happen to me if I was ever caught in an “active shooter” situation.

Mike Slonczewski

Da Problem Wit Da Mayoral Election Is Dat None Of Da Candidates Cater To Dumb Pigs Like Me

It is wit heavy heart dat I inform you dat none of da candidates are dumb enough to tackle da dumb Chicago hog vote in da upcoming election.

HRH Prince Friedrich Ruprecht Hapsburg III

Where Are Ze Little Treats for Me?

Ven mama left ze palace she said she vas going to bring me mein nonpareils und goo goo clusters, und she has been gone for a long time...do you know where she is?