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Zagam - Portillo’s CEO - Blood Demon
It’s Time for Illinois to Give Back to Its Business Community—in Blood
At Portillo’s, as in Hell, we say “Get Obsessed.” Now, more than ever, you must. Enter the brainless state of the True Abyss and give unto us your will. And then, of course, your blood.
Luigi
You Know, It’s-a Luigi’s Birthday, Too
A few days ago, my “older” brother celebrated his 35th birthday, and today three of his most popular games get a big release onna da Switch. Look, Luigi don’t want to take away from his-a big moment — and not that anyone cares — but it’s-a Luigi’s birthday too.
Dominic Brassile
Let Me Drink From The Kiddie Pool Filled With Fire Hydrant Runoff
As the fever pitch of summer rolls into September, Chicago is racked with turmoil and strife unprecedented.
Succulent Plant
I Don't See Color. I Don't Hear Noises. I Don't Breathe Smells. I Am A Succulent Plant.
Black, white, brown, purple, green, polka dot, are just some of the colors I cannot see because I am a succulent plant incapable of distinguishing between different wavelengths of light.
Alain Germain Duphraine IV PhD Candidate in Poli Sci
Sorry Leftists, But Socialism Never Could’ve Produced The Conditions Necessary To Create Buffalo Wild Wings
These are the facts: capitalism breeds innovation because it allows us to push resources to where they’re most needed—like boutique ice cream stores that serve cardamom-and-nettle custard for $7.50 a scoop.
The Bean
Without Anyone to Reflect, Am I Even Still A Mirror?
In these unprecedented times, I think we’re all finding ourselves with a sudden glut of space for self-reflection.
Mercy - a concerned coyote
Rat Week? Where the Hell is Coyote Week?
Note from the Editor: In the interest of fairness, we are running an op-ed by another of Chicago's scavenger populations, but this is in no way to be interpreted as an endorsement of any non-ra
The Beleaguered Friends Of Performers
If We Come To Your Theatre Company's Fundraiser, We Want You To Promise You Won't Do Any Weird Plays In 2020
You cannot call us up on stage during an “experimental” theater piece if you are going to make. Us. Wear. Your. Clothes. And. Pretend. To. Be. Your. Own. Cat. Who. Is. In. Heat. We are not doing that!!!
Tabitha Chandry
So Your Dog Can Wear Boots And Sweaters But Can’t Ask Me Any Polite Follow-Up Questions About My Hand Loom?
It’s just an interesting double standard, Beth, that your dog can wear a sweater on its chest and four boots on its hooves but can’t ask me any polite follow-up questions about my hand-looming practice.
King Solomon
A Compromise: We Can Solve This CPS Labor Dispute By Cutting All The Students in Half
To solve this strike we must take a large, ceremonial sword and cut every student enrolled in public school in half, but on a horizontal plane, not vertical because they’d all die. If we just cut off their legs, only some will die, but others will thrive as my plan makes Chicago’s public school system the envy of the world.