opinion

Helen Gremple - Former Mother

My Three Kids Were Also Eaten By A Skunk But You Don’t See Me Making A Whole To-Do About It

For months now, coverage of Monty and Rose, the Piping Plovers who nest at Montrose Beach, has been seemingly inescapable.

St. Patrick

If Ye Cancel My Parade, I’m Bringin’ Back the Snakes

So ye might think ye have plenty of snakes there in Chicago, but pardon me, ye have no feckin’ idea how many there were before yer pal Pat came along.

Marcus Pencil

I Made Thousands From The Gamestop Trade Boom, But I’m Still Furious They Only Offered Me Fifty Cents for My Copy of Halo: Reach

Like many other denizens of the garden of earthly delights known as Reddit, I wielded my keen intellect this week to squeeze Wall Street short sellers out of several thousand dollars using my dad’s MacBook and the Robinhood account he set up for me. My dad was proud of me, once I kindly explained to him my stratagem. GameStop had rewarded my genius. I was, for a brief moment, king.

Zagam - Portillo’s CEO - Blood Demon

It’s Time for Illinois to Give Back to Its Business Community—in Blood

At Portillo’s, as in Hell, we say “Get Obsessed.” Now, more than ever, you must. Enter the brainless state of the True Abyss and give unto us your will. And then, of course, your blood.