opinion

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St. Patrick

If Ye Cancel My Parade, I’m Bringin’ Back the Snakes

So ye might think ye have plenty of snakes there in Chicago, but pardon me, ye have no feckin’ idea how many there were before yer pal Pat came along.

Al Capone

Dis Year Seems Like as Good a Year as Any Ta Forget About Saint Valentine’s Day

Here’s da angle: I tink it’s high time Chicago kinda forgot about St. Valentine’s Day, for ALL our sakes.

Marcus Pencil

I Made Thousands From The Gamestop Trade Boom, But I’m Still Furious They Only Offered Me Fifty Cents for My Copy of Halo: Reach

Like many other denizens of the garden of earthly delights known as Reddit, I wielded my keen intellect this week to squeeze Wall Street short sellers out of several thousand dollars using my dad’s MacBook and the Robinhood account he set up for me. My dad was proud of me, once I kindly explained to him my stratagem. GameStop had rewarded my genius. I was, for a brief moment, king.

Rahm Emanuel and Forrest Claypool

Who Needs An Immersive Cyberpunk 2077 Experience When We Have Ventra?

This week, Polish video game developer CD Projekt Red released their long-anticipated and oft-delayed title “Cyberpunk 2077,” to decidedly mixed critical reception.

Zagam - Portillo’s CEO - Blood Demon

It’s Time for Illinois to Give Back to Its Business Community—in Blood

At Portillo’s, as in Hell, we say “Get Obsessed.” Now, more than ever, you must. Enter the brainless state of the True Abyss and give unto us your will. And then, of course, your blood.

Luigi

You Know, It’s-a Luigi’s Birthday, Too

A few days ago, my “older” brother celebrated his 35th birthday, and today three of his most popular games get a big release onna da Switch. Look, Luigi don’t want to take away from his-a big moment — and not that anyone cares — but it’s-a Luigi’s birthday too.

Dominic Brassile

Let Me Drink From The Kiddie Pool Filled With Fire Hydrant Runoff

As the fever pitch of summer rolls into September, Chicago is racked with turmoil and strife unprecedented.

Succulent Plant

I Don't See Color. I Don't Hear Noises. I Don't Breathe Smells. I Am A Succulent Plant.

Black, white, brown, purple, green, polka dot, are just some of the colors I cannot see because I am a succulent plant incapable of distinguishing between different wavelengths of light. 

Alain Germain Duphraine IV PhD Candidate in Poli Sci

Sorry Leftists, But Socialism Never Could’ve Produced The Conditions Necessary To Create Buffalo Wild Wings

These are the facts: capitalism breeds innovation because it allows us to push resources to where they’re most needed—like boutique ice cream stores that serve cardamom-and-nettle custard for $7.50 a scoop.

The Bean

Without Anyone to Reflect, Am I Even Still A Mirror?

In these unprecedented times, I think we’re all finding ourselves with a sudden glut of space for self-reflection.