Want To Improve Safety In Our Schools? Let Me Bring My Katana To Class

By Marcus Pencil
Columnist

M’ladies and gentlemen of the venerable Student Council, I am but a humble man. To many of you, I appear as just a passerby, a quiet and studious boy remaining on the sidelines of Lincoln Park High School; a mere watcher. And watch, I do. As I watch, I see the fear and tumult in the hearts of my fellow students as current events take a grimdark turn. School shooters, predators, ne’er-do-wells, and other such miscreants without respect or honor are a plague on our society. What this school needs is a hero. A guardian. Someone willing to give his life to protect his fellow man - and, of course, our precious females. That man? Is me: Marcus - and of course, my trusty katana.

Of course it has come to this. What else have we done to increase the safety and wellbeing of our school? Our bumbling security guards? Mere fools. I have engaged in gentlemanly conversation with both of them, and neither know the first thing about kenjutsu or bujutsu - let alone iajutsu, the art of the quick-draw which is essential for apprehending a would-be bully brigand. I, on the other hand, am an expert in every style of bladed battle thanks to my dedication to knowledge garnered from numerous online forums and of course, manga and anime.

They say don’t bring a knife to a gunfight, but I assure you - my katana is no simple knife. Japanese steel folded thousands of times into itself, each layer strengthening and balancing the blade into a perfect aerodynamic eversharp weapon that never misses the mark. If that seems like a “hazard” to you, I promise you: I have complete control when wielding this instrument, and a dedication to protecting my classmates and our senseis.

By allowing me to bring my katana to class, the power of intimidation alone would be enough. When I face a potential attacker head on, my visible eye glinting behind my wire-rimmed glasses, my other peering mysteriously through my strategically swooped bangs, the corner of my mouth twitching upward into a smirk - because I can barely hide the delight my impending victory is already bringing me...that alone will send a chill up their spine. As I slowly unsheathe my katana, the sweet music of the hand-crafted Japanese steel sliding into view shall be their funeral march. And so, the dance begins. And I, Marcus, never miss a step.

I will serve as your loyal swordsman, your tireless samurai, if only your Council will allow it. I will swear my life to you. This is no hollow oath. I offer up my services asking nothing in return, my only wish being to protect this bastion of knowledge we all call “school.” In your hearts, you know it to be true: if we want to improve safety in our school, you need to let me bring my katana to class. I do not require your verdict immediately, I respectfully understand that you must have your deliberations. When you need to call upon me, you know where to find me…...I’ll be in the computer lab.