What Stops a Bad Guy With a Gun? A Good Guy Who’ll Suck Him Off

By Richard Hardshaft
Columnist

Gun violence has become an epidemic in our nation. Want proof? Just turn on the TV. Literally every channel will be showing scenes of real and simulated gun violence. School shootings, mall shootings, concert shootings, club shootings, park shootings, church shootings, coffee shop shootings, science lab shootings, bank shootings, shootings at the old mill; it doesn’t seem like there’s anything we can do to curb the violence. 

With all the disgusting division in our government - don’t even get me started! - it doesn’t seem like we’re going to get anywhere with changing our laws. Citizens are always looking for common sense answers to gun violence. Sure, door locks, armed guards, and concealed carrying are all fine options, but to me the only really solution to a bad guy with a gun is a good guy who will suck him off.

I personally fantasize about what would happen to me if I was ever caught in an “active shooter” situation. Would I run and hide? Would I use bystanders as a human shield? Would I call my wife and leave her one last good-bye? I’d like to think I’d have to courage to rush the gunman, yank down his trousers, and end the violence with an act of passion.

You don’t fight fire with fire, you fight fire with water, or in this case a big, wet mouth. You just walk right up to that maniac and you shout, firmly but politely: “do you want to keep shooting people, or do you want to get that rod out so I can give it a suck?” I guarantee the situation would immediately diffuse and then escalate into a moment of raw, oral bliss. Who’s going to keep firing when their toes are curling with pleasure? 

Any better ideas? You don’t see any coming out of Washington DC!  We fellow Americans need to look out for each other, and being willing to take a massive load to the face is better than taking a bullet, right? Do you think any of the senators and representatives would drop down to their knees and suck off a bad guy? No. Not even Donald Trump would put the whole hog in! Tip? Maybe. 

So let’s look out for each other while the doofuses continue to squabble. I’ve got your back, and your front, and maybe even your penis in my mouth. Public safety is more important than politics.