Where Are Ze Little Treats for Me?

By HRH Prince Friedrich Ruprecht Hapsburg III
Columnist

Zeese days, ve all live in a world of constant suffering. Ze slings und arrows of misfortune have found zeir mark in each of us, ja? From ze horrifying spectacle of your American politics to ze thought of ze funny little polar bears und penguins drowning on ze ice floes...ve all deserve a little  revard for enduring zis daily horror! Und who could disagree zat I, ze crown prince of ze Holy Roman Empire, deserve zis reward most of all! So vhy has nobody brought me my little treats?

You know, I have it very rough here. I am a very little boy confined to only several dozen rooms in ze palace, und I am likely to be very upset soon. I vill yell und scream und make a very very big fuss if I am not given mein bonbons!

Ven mama left ze palace she said she vas going to bring me mein nonpareils und goo goo clusters, und she has been gone for a long time...do you know where she is? Or...better yet, one of ze butlers or nursemaids! I hate zem but zey will do anyzing I tell zem. Or....you, mein reading public! Ja, you! You have a golden opportunity, you know zat? You know I am a prince? You could have anyzing you wanted, if you just brought me mein little kleinenkandies! Any sort vill do, but I particularly like mine cocoa sticks und zose candied rose petals, yum yum! Ja, why don’t YOU bring me my treats!

I know you have zem, I know you have ze bites und snackies zat make me squeal mit glee! My truffles mit stuffles, mein snackels mit krackel! You could send zem to me, locked in zis gilded cage, you could email zem to me. Why won’t you? Ze greatest and most advanced technology of all time, and you fools have not yet brought me my liquorice pinwheels? Can you not Venmo me a Toblerone or Vine me a praline?

Very well...nobody to bring me mein crémes...I vill languish und die in oblivion zen...I’ve been consigned to my little fate in zis very big castle...oh, vait, who is zat Knick-knocking at ze door? It is...mama! It is mama mit mein sweetmeats, mein sugarplums und orange peels! Armfuls of filberts und pastilles, sassafras sticks und peppermint puffs! Och, my mama loves me so much, to bring me mein kindertreats in such abundance!

But do not for one second zink I have forgotten your betrayal...I vill see you get your reward as I have gotten mine...unless you have a treat for me?