You Know, It’s-a Luigi’s Birthday, Too

By Luigi
Columnist

Buongiorno, amici. It’s-a me. A few days ago, my “older” brother celebrated his 35th birthday, and today three of his most popular games get a big release onna da Switch. Look, Luigi don’t want to take away from his-a big moment — and not that anyone cares — but it’s-a Luigi’s birthday too.

It’s-a fine. Luigi gets it. Mario, he’s brave, charming, he’s-a da star. But not a single mention on da Nintendo website of me — Luigi? Oh, no!

In case anybody has forgotten, Luigi’s been there since da beginning. He may have been a player two, just a palette swap, but thirty-five years ago Luigi WAS-A THERE. Luigi may have even been later written as a “younger brother” for no reason, but by miei calcoli, as long as there has been-a “Mario,” there has been-a Luigi — and miss me with your “Jump Man” Donkey Kong cacata! Doesn’t Luigi deserve a big birthday celebration too? Luigi thinks so! Yeah!

I know-a da last time Luigi hadda big birthday in 2013, it wasn’t so nice for Nintendo. But sicuramente, da Year of Luigi can’t be to blame for da whole $450 million operating loss! Alla Luigi’s games were pretty good dat year! In fact, there’s-a been lotsa good Luigi games, and Luigi saved da Mushroom Kingdom at least half as many times as stronzo “Jump Man.” Is it too much to ask for a mention inna da news, or just a card from Gooigi? 

Would a “Day of Luigi” be so bad next year? Just a day? Luigi has-a helped Mario over fifty times inna da last thirty-five years. Luigi so ready for just-a little recognition. I’m-a ready!

Luigi’s used to being forgotten. Mario’s stolen da show for our entire lives. It’s-a always gonna be Mario Brothers. Luigi always gonna be John Leguizamo and not Bob Hoskins, always da toadstool and never da Toad. But dis one hurt. Owowowowow!

I guess Luigi wanted to write alla dis to say: Luigi may be fighting ghosts alla da time, but that don’t mean he likes-a being ghosted. Luigi gotta feelings, and it don’t feel-a good to have your birthday forgotten. I’ll always be there for Mario, because he’s-a my bro. But maybe next birthday, I’d like to feel like I’m-a number one. 

That’s all for Luigi for now. Bye-bye!