STREETERVILLE—Heartbreaking news comes down The Chicago Genius Herald newswire today as it appears that an experimental bong hit transplant conducted on Kyle Cessmeier, 28, has apparently failed to take.
“In any type of transplant there’s a risk of failure,” said Northwestern Memorial University attending surgeon Tim Landry, 45. “But it’s heartbreaking whenever it happens, and especially when the patient is so young.”
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Cessmeier, who had been acting like a complete hard-ass mondo prickasaurus all weekend on account of his boss royally riding his balls about some kind of accounting shit on Friday, was in desperate need of a heavy hit of prime stink directly into his lungs, according to his roommates Derz Morgendorffer, 25, Mikey Holley, 29 and Schuyler Freidan, 23.
“No one needed this transplant more than Kyle,” said a distraught Friedan. “He was acting like such a cleft asshole on account of his boss Don sending him some email or something. This bong hit would have really turned his life around.”
Complications arose within the operating theater almost immediately when Cessmeier was administered 400CCs of medical grade Bubblegum Kush directly into his air passages via gravity bong.
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“This was apparently a big shock to the patient’s system,” Louis Dell, 35, an attending nurse explained, “since he had up to this point only been accustomed to ditch mids full of stems that he was smoking out of a one-hitter his brother had left him.”
Observers within the operating theater observed Cessmeier absolutely coughing his lungs out on that gas, and a few even insisted this was a negligent operation that never should have been performed in the first place.
“As soon as the patient started coughing on that phat Cali Medi,” a Medical Resident who requested anonymity out of a fear or reprisal said, “I knew this little toker never should have gotten this transplant in the first place. I did some digging and there’s a ‘V. Cessmeier’ in the radiology department—I don’t know if that’s a parent, a relative, whatever. But even a cursory look at the patient’s chart would’ve indicated he wasn’t a good fit for this transplant.”
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Allegations of malpractice and nepotism aside, it’s difficult not to feel for Cessmeier during this trying time. As of the time of his release from the ICU, Cessmeier was reported to be suffering from eyes bulging fully out of his skull as he completely bugged out over how many ridges there were on his Stan’s doughnut—behavior that was almost certain to get him and his roommates hassled by the cops.
