LIZARD MANOR—In a huge breakthrough, today a crack team of lizard scientists announced their findings about why blue-tongued skinks have blue tongues. “So obviously this has been a huge focus of our research for over twenty years,” announced senior researcher Duke Stiletto, 81. “We’ve been at it night and day for as long as I can remember, and it is with great excitement that I announce that the reason blue-tongued skinks developed blue tongues was to eat Sour Patch Kids after brushing their teeth without Mom finding out.”
Lizard Manor, the center of the study and home to over one hundred of what God called “creeping things and wild animals of the earth of every kind” (Genesis 1:24), was a hub of raucous activity. Scientists have been known to develop maternal relationships to the beasts, often giving small algebra lessons and playing HORSE with some of the more energetic monitor lizards.
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When asked about the ethics of the study, Stiletto chuckled. “Well, Mom can’t read, so there shouldn’t be much of a problem there.” All additional questions about Mom were directed toward PR iguana Samantha Peterson, who was too focused on a piece of kale to offer insight into the matter.
The blue-tongued skinks, four sisters, involved in the study displayed unexpected grace and lethargy both at the press conference and in later one-on-one conversations. Sisters Meg, Jo, Beth, and Amy, clad in flannel pajamas at all times and known charmers, the lizards seemed slightly bemused by all the attention. In their down time between interviews, the skink sisters took turns sneaking out of the tank to indulge in sour candies like Lemonheads, Warheads, and the Sour Patch Kids that brought the study to its conclusive end.
The implications this finding has on the greater herpetological community are staggering, and Stiletto understands the import of his team’s progress. “Some people aren’t going to want to believe this. I count many dear friends in the “they all licked the same Sharpie” or “they all got struck by the same bolt of blue lightning” camps, and I know our research will stir up some deep-seated feelings among everyone,” he said, smiling sadly. “I’m prepared to lose friends for this. The work demands it.”
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The skink sisters, hedonistic and callous, have no plans to stop eating sour candy after brushing their teeth, no matter the consequences. They may never know anything different. Unless, of course, Mom finds out.
