THE UNITED CENTER — Citing changing times and standards around mascot representation, The Chicago Bulls creative management has announced that moving forward they will no longer be depicting beloved Bulls mascot Benny The Bull as a primo dime piece with a fat, juicy dumper you just want to sink your teeth into.
“Sadly Benny was developed during a time when mascots were seen as little more than eye candy,” explained Bulls marketing lead Harris Gherkin, 36, “and his initial design as a slim thicc baddie with a full moon booty that drives everyone—and we mean everyone—wild with desire is an unfortunate relic of that era that the Bulls are keen to move past.”
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Gherkin’s team spent eight months iterating concepts for Benny that didn’t rely on the mascot’s notorious jellyroll ass, eventually settling on a slimmed down, more aerodynamic silhouette that they felt more clearly communicated the mascot’s status as an athlete on par with the rest of the team.
“We’ve created a Benny the Bull for the 21st century,” explained Gherkin. “New Benny doesn’t rely on cheap sexuality for a ‘wow’ factor. He’s a member of the Bulls bench in his own right and a talented baller. This concept respects that skill and competitor’s heart much better than having a pair of hams so big you could balance a saucer on them ever did.”
Unfortunately despite Gherkin and his team’s best efforts, initial response to the redesign has been largely negative.
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“Not my Benny!” Rona Kuritzkes, 42, said when The Chicago Genius Herald asked her what she thought of this new mascot. “My Benny’s not aerodynamic or whatever the fuck. My Benny keeps it high and tight with cheeks absolutely falling out of a pair of little booty shorts, causing traffic jams all over West Town whenever he walks by because everyone wants to catch a piece of that dumptruck.”
“This is just the latest in PC culture run amok,” agreed Ted Harkins, 25, who was wearing a shirt that said “I Am Benny The Bull’s Thick, Shapely Buttocks” on the front of it in a Fight Club font. “The PC police are so afraid of adults becoming impossibly and fatally horny at the prospect of a phat ass red bull, a PARB if you will, that they’ll stop at nothing to completely neuter it because it makes them uncomfortable, the prudes.”
Gherkin expressed disappointment about the critical response to Benny’s redesign, but stated he was confident that in time Bulls fans would find a way to get just as aroused about New Benny as they did the old. When asked if he planned on changing anything about Benny’s double D breasts however, he balked, explaining “some things simply can’t be improved on.”
