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Horrifying: The Train Is Standing for Signal Clearance

“I didn’t think the announcement ‘standing for signal clearance’ was a literal thing,” said onlooker Ricky Martin (no relation), 55. “I figured it was code for waiting for the driver to sober up or something. But nope, there it was, standing up on two beautiful gams.”

Construction Halted on Belmont Flyover as Crews Struggle to Find Allen Wrench They Dropped

The allen wrench, a short length of bent metal with a 3mm hexagonal shaping on the end, is a popular tool in the construction of modern furniture and public works projects. A study conducted in 2015 by the Department of the Interior found that nearly two thirds of public works projects fail because someone was fooling around or being a space case and lost the allen wrench that came with the construction materials.

Heralding Autumn, Green Line Deepens to a Lovely Russet Orange

The train color change has long been a significant generator of revenue for the city, with out-of-towners flocking in to admire the vivid hues of the train cars.

CTA Reintroduces Double Decker Trains as Ridership Returns

For his part, Buckinghamshire was confident that wouldn’t be a problem. “Subway? What, bleedin’ undergound trains? Are you daft? No, Chicago doesn’t have any o’ those. It’s L for ‘Elevated,’ innit?”  He smiled confidently as he patted the nose of the nearest railcar. “Don’t you worry, love. Not a bother.”

CTA Pride Train Pledges to Run Over at Least 2 Homophobes This Month

“Here at the CTA, we’re trying not to be like every other corporation co-opting the aesthetics of pride to hawk our services. This year, we’d like to use our actions to demonstrate our values. Actions like pancaking a few guys who suck here and there. I dunno, we’re trying it out!”

Left Unchecked, Red Line Expansions Could Spread All Over City By Mid-2040s, Providing Dangerous Levels Of Interconnectedness And Convenience

CHICAGO — With the construction of the Red-Purple Bypass at Belmont Station well underway and further expansions to the South Side of Chicago coming soon, according to the CTA, experts are beginnin

Man Pushing Way Onto Packed Blue Line Train At 8:30 AM Just Wants To Get In On The Fun

“A lot of times, four or more packed trains will go by before I can get on one,” said Everson, beaming with pure glee. “The train is so popular every single day, and I feel lucky that I even have the opportunity to ride it.”

Christmas Miracle! Guy Hit By The Christmas Bus Going to Be Fine

The whole thing played out exactly like the holiday classic “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” only instead of a sweet old granny being bowled over by one of Santa’s enthusiastic pets, it was a man being fully run over by a bus.

CTA Discontinues Loop-de-Loop Rail Course in Loop

"I loved going through the terrifying experience of being upside down in a slowly moving commuter train. It gave me the ‘pep’ I needed to get through a full day of penny trading. I guess I’ll need to go back to cocaine.”

New Apartment Somehow Four Buses Away From All Trader Joes’ In City

“My last apartment was kind of in the middle of nowhere, so I got used to finding groceries wherever I could—Walgreens, ALDI, the bags of long-grain rice my neighbor threw through my window every Tuesday—your usual neighborhood go-tos. But I thought this new place would change some things.”