Bears Purchase Land in Arlington Heights, Announce Plans to Settle Down, Marry Rebecca, Have Kids

September 29, 2021

ARLINGTON HEIGHTS — In a controversial decision announced today, the Chicago Bears have purchased land in Arlington Heights. The NFL team has said they’ll be building a new home stadium on the former Arlington International Racetrack before finally settling down, marrying their long-time girlfriend Rebecca, and having kids.

“We had our wild years in the big city,” said Ted Philips, President and CEO of the Bears, “but now it’s time to grow up and start a family of our own. Rebecca has been dropping hints that it’s time for us to propose, and after three years together we know it’s time to pop the question and settle down or we might lose her forever.”

After moving from their hometown of Decatur in 1921, the Chicago Bears made their home in Chicago’s downtown lakefront area, renting a 7 acre, 61,000 person capacity stadium from the city since 1970.

“Part of the allure of the move to Arlington Heights is that it would give us not only more space, but our own space,” said Bears Coach Bill Nagy. “We’re tired of renting, the housing market is prime, and Rebecca really doesn’t like living here. This building is old, there’s not enough bathrooms, they won’t let us paint the walls, and it’s a pain to find quarters for the laundry machines in the basement.”

“Rebecca has been calling it ‘Bachelor Field,’ and she’s right. It smells like a bunch of sweaty dudes have been in here for fifty years, which is largely because there’s been a bunch of sweaty dudes in here for fifty years.”

Rebecca Campbell, 28, a jewelry designer who’s sold dozens of pieces, started dating the Chicago Bears during the 2018 season. Sources close to the couple say that she’s been eager to move out of the city and frequently references the comforts of suburban living and her desire to have children.

“Chicago is a great place to live when you’re a twenty-whatever that wants to party all the time,” said Campbell, “but I want a place where my kids can play outside and run around and only interact with people of their same socio-economic and cultural background. That’s important to me, and it’s important to the Chicago Bears too.”

While some family and friends of the Chicago Bears and Campbell have wished the happy couple well on their future in Arlington Heights, many in Chicago have expressed disappointment that the team would be leaving the city.   

“Of course I’m disappointed,” said Rick “Boner” Bonnette, 31, the Bears’ drinking buddy and facilitator of their annual fantasy baseball league, “I feel like I’m not going to see them anymore! Who’s going to go on bar crawls with me now? No one else will, I’ve burned a lot of bridges with my behavior! Man, I get it though, Rebecca is a total smokeshow.”

In an official statement from the Mayor's Office, Mayor Lightfoot said the city would continue to try and convince the team to stay, “even if it means raising all the bridges in the city, that’s always worked in the past.”

Despite pushback from city officials and single friends, The Chicago Bears have moved forward with their plans by proposing to Rebecca with a 1985 Super Bowl championship ring while attending an outdoor concert in Millenium Park, and trading in the Bears Bus for a pre-owned PT Cruiser.

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