Chicago Bears

The Latest

Lightfoot Proposes Dome Over Chicago Bears to Keep Them From Leaving

“If there was a bridge we could have raised to keep them here, we would have raised it.”

Soldier Field to Be Made Into Mattress Firm if Bears Move to Arlington Heights

“Tickets to Bears games start at around $90. Admission to Mattress Firm will be free, and I’m offering 10% off all Sealy and Serta mattresses on game days.”

Bears Purchase Land in Arlington Heights, Announce Plans to Settle Down, Marry Rebecca, Have Kids

“Rebecca has been calling it ‘Bachelor Field,’ and she’s right. It smells like a bunch of sweaty dudes have been in here for fifty years, which is largely because there’s been a bunch of sweaty dudes in here for fifty years.”

Mitchell Trubisky Donates 40,000 Interceptions to Defenses in Need

"When you put good in the world you get good out. If I give out interceptions, maybe the universe will give me a kicker… or some pocket protection.”

Environmental Pressures, Decreasing Fish Population Blamed for Chicago Bears’ Losing Season

"I mean, look at Tarik 'Chicken Salad' Cohen. How is a 5’6” 179lb player supposed to maintain enough body fat to sleep in a cave for four months?”