CHICAGO — As the Chicago Bears continue to suffer through a lackluster season, Chicagoans and the sports world at large wonder what has happened to the once mighty Windy City NFL franchise. Ecological experts have offered their own theory to why this Bears’ season has been a disappointment: climate change and anthropogenic pressures like deforestation and overfishing have decimated the Bears’ natural environment.
“We’re seeing irreversible change to the Bears’ habitat,” said Dr. Vince Weincrop, a professor of environmental studies at Northwestern University, who has studied the Bears since the 80’s. “The Bears were once a thriving team that won championships, built a legendary franchise, and captured America’s hearts and minds with novelty rap hits. Today the Bears can barely even regular shuffle!”
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Dr. Weincrop points to man-made causes as the principal pressure harming the Bears’ ability to win games. “The average Bears player needs to eat around thirty salmon a day. That’s around a hundred pounds of fish!” explained Dr. Weincrop. “When I look at a player like Mitch Trubisky, I can tell just from looking at his recent performance that he isn’t able to gorge himself on salmon the way he needs to be to play at top form.”
Prof. Ellen Trozzo, a forestry expert at the Peggy Notebaert Nature Museum, points to deforestation as a key stressor to the Bears lineup. “Let’s face it, there’s less sprawling, old growth forests in Chicago than there was in the 80's. Bears need space to roam, and as the forests shrink and food grows scarce they’re having to come closer and closer to human settlements.”
Professor Trozzo theorized that quarterback Mitch Trubisky’s recent, mysterious hip injury was not sustained playing the Saint Louis Rams, but rather from climbing in and out of dumpsters.
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“I’m worried at this rate we could see the extinction of the possibility of another Bears Super Bowl win in our lifetimes.” said Dr. Weincrop. “I don’t want to live in a world where my grandchildren can only see pictures of the Bears winning championships in museums, but at this rate of climate change it’s going to be difficult to turn around this season, or even the next season. I mean, Winter is right around the corner and I just don’t think they’ve eaten enough goddamn salmon to make it through the postseason.”
“Bears players used to be some of the sturdiest in the league, but we haven’t seen a Bear the size of a refrigerator in a long time.” said Dr. Wiencrop, referencing legendary Bears fullback William “The Refrigerator” Perry. “We’re seeing smaller players who will have harder times surviving through winter hibernation, let alone spring training. I mean, look at Tarik “Chicken Salad” Cohen. How is a 5’6” 179lb player supposed to maintain enough body fat to sleep in a cave for four months?”
As the Bears ready to face off against the Detroit Lions this Thursday, fans of the team can only hope they can muster the energy to win against their opponent. “Luckily for us, the Bears still have a decent defensive line, plus the Lions aren’t having a great season either,” said Professor Trozzo, “Their disappointing loss to Washington last week shows how the shrinking of the savannas of Michigan has drastically decreased the Lions’ hunting grounds and more players are being poached.”
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