CITY HALL — City Council introduced an ordinance on Wednesday that would, if passed, ban all single use plastics from restaurants and replace them with a single communal fork available upon request to all Chicago residents.
“Environmental research increasingly points to single-use plastics as a major source of pollution in our world,” said Brian Elkstone, 56, the Chairman of the City Council’s Parks and Environmental Well-being Committee. “Walk anywhere in Chicago and you’ll see litter from plastic cups, cutlery and straws. My dog ate a styrofoam container last Spring, and he’s never been the same. He squeaks when he walks. He’s his own squeak toy, but yet he’s never been more depressed.”
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“Our plan,” Elkstone continued, “is to replace these environmental nuisances with one, single, four-tined fork that everyone in Chicago can use, wash, and then pass along to the next hungry citizen.”
A principal figure in this push to ban single-use plastics has been Alderman Max Martin of the 34.5th Ward. Ald. Martin, who took office in 2019, has given several impassioned speeches on the subject of single-use plastics’ effect on Chicago’s landscape.
"In addition to their environmental effects, single-use plastics present a real health concern Chicagoans. For years I would eat them because I thought they were part of the meal.” said Ald. Martin, 38. “Plastic cutlery is soft enough to bite through if you really believe in yourself and even though they taste nasty, they don’t tell you not to eat them and that’s not okay. It’s cost me thousands of dollars in medical bills and I want to make sure this doesn’t happen to anyone else.”
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While the public has been quick to point out that one fork may ultimately be insufficient for the whole city, Ald. Martin defended the idea and while calling it unalterable. “We would’ve loved to have more than one. Several, even,” continued Martin, “but we wanted to go high shelf on this one and ended up buying the sterling silver fork that Elvis used before he died on the toilet. The people of Chicago demand quality.”
When asked if any TARP funds were allocated to the fork purchasing, Ald. Martin broke into a portion of a parody of Eminem's "Lose Yourself" he'd planned to perform at the next council meeting.
“Look If you had / One fork
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Or one opportunity / To eat everything you ever wanted
In one moment / Would you capture it
Or just let it slip? / Off your fork
Mom’s spaghetti / your fork is ready / vomit on it already / from some other mom’s spaghetti…”
As sweat poured off his brow as he finished rapping, this reporter assured him it was “actually really good”, but that we had to get going and would definitely check out the Alderman’s Soundcloud page when we had time.
The fork, which is currently missing somewhere in the City Council building downtown, is ready to make its Chicago debut as soon as the measure passes a final vote. The City Council promises a knife, and possibly spoon, might be purchased as soon as 2027.
