THE LAKEFRONT — Although Governor Pritzker is promising that every Illinoisian will be eligible for a vaccine by May 1st—potentially even sooner—many in the city of Chicago are still waiting with bated breath to see if the Air and Water Show will happen later this summer. Unfortunately, local officials have stated in no uncertain terms that approval for this Chicago summer staple will largely depend on how much assistance MechaRahm needs to fight the three-headed Mike Madigan that’s currently emerging from a meteorite.
“There’s nothing we’d love more than to treat the city of Chicago to a week’s worth of noise pollution in the service of a vulgar display of America’s bloated military budget,” said West Eastman, 43, a member of City Council’s Special Events and Recreation Committee. “However, if MechaRahm ends up mopping the floor with this three-headed Mike Madigan in a matter of days, there’s really no reason to call in the Blue Angels and all that jazz.”
Advertisement:
MechaRahm has defended the city ever since he managed to subdue the city’s former mayor Rahm Emanuel when he became giant and irradiated two years ago and lulled him into a deep slumber in the caves beneath Ravenswood Manor. Most recently the robotic civil servant managed to drive a giant pączki back into Lake Michigan after Sterling Bay depth charges woke it earlier this month, resulting in only minimal damage to The Loop.
Initial analysis for this current bout doesn’t look positive, as the three-headed Mike Madigan is capable of emitting large arcs of electromagnetic energy from several specialized organs on its back, and its scaly carapace has proved effective at deterring MechaRahm’s most potent ordinance.
“It just shrugged off the Godslayer Warheads like they were nothing,” a despondent Prof. Chosei Itagaki, 56—the robot’s creator—was heard saying as the three-headed Madigan absorbed the blast of MechaRahm’s nine finger-mounted missiles and shoulder-charged him into the Hancock Building, causing the cybernetic facsimile of the mayor to discharge his photon cannon harmlessly into the clouds.
Advertisement:
“Listen, we’re rooting for MechaRahm to win this thing,” said Eastman, “but he has no one to blame but himself for his disparaging comments about both Mothra and Rodan, both of whom probably could have helped him out. Now he’s just going to have to figure it out until we can reconvene safely to determine whether or not we need to organize an Air and Water Show to clean up this mess if he fails.”
As of press time, an ominous rumbling was felt deep below Ravenswood Manor, disrupting El service and causing rolling blackouts across the northwest of the city.
