CHICAGO – In a surprising turn of events, last night's 95th Annual Oscars Ceremony honored CTA employee Stan Wyatt, 63, with the award for Best Actor. According to Academy voters, Wyatt’s portrayal of a bus driver who “didn’t see you at the stop” has earned him the coveted award. This is a shocking choice for a program usually committed to lining Maggie Smith’s home shelves.
It’s this method of trickery that Wyatt studied as a student of bus driver school. “People will say, oh, it must be easy to pretend like you didn’t see someone waiting for the bus. But there’s an art to it. Sometimes you gotta just skip over some people. That’s the way this cruel world works. It’s not my fault if you’re too cheap to buy gas.”
“I always try to be super visible when I wait at a bus stop,” Nina Pines, 36, promised our reporters. “I make sure to stand under streetlights if it’s dark out, and use the glow of my phone to light up my face like a Scooby-Doo villain. But even then, Stan has passed me by. Honestly I can’t even be mad at this point, he’s so committed to his craft. It’s an honor to witness such talent.”
We asked Wyatt who he wore to the ceremonies, and he boasted about his custom Oscar De La Renta CTA tuxedo coat, complete with an ascot made of expired Ventra passes. He just happened to have this look on hand for such an occasion. The Chicago transit system was represented so beautifully at last night’s broadcast, and Wyatt wasn’t even the only representative of our local transportation to take home an award. Backpack Bill, 3, took home the prize for “Taking Up The Most Space On Seats,” and Ellie Waldren, 6, won “Loudest Children’s Ipad,” while Albert the Rat, 8, received the honor of “Most Handsome Male Rat On Train.”
When we asked Wyatt what his next project would be after securing the Oscar, he scoffed and said he can’t give anything away but he’s being considered to star in Avatar 4: The Way Of The Bus Route.