Neighbor Drags St. Andrew's Cross and Spanking Bench Outside for Dibs After Recent Snow

LINCOLN SQUARE—Neighbors on the 4800 block of North Leavitt reported this morning that one resident on the street has dragged what appears to be a home-made St. Andrew’s Cross and spanking bench from his basement out to the street, invoking the time-honored Chicago tradition of “dibs” on his freshly dug-out parking space.

Mary Fingerman, 32, who has resided on North Leavitt since 2017, told The Chicago Genius Herald that she had watched her across-the-street neighbor—a mysterious, reserved man she knows only as Dave—shoveling the massive snowdrift from his street parking space earlier that morning. 

“Well, I saw him out there shoveling up a storm this morning, and it sure looked like back-breaking work, so I assumed he would probably call dibs on the spot,” said Fingerman. “What I didn’t expect to see was this guy dragging what appeared to be a bunch of home-made sex furniture down the gangway and putting it right there on the street. I mean, what the hell?”

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Another neighbor, Jill Biffer, 39, says she was less surprised to see Dave’s kinky accoutrements sitting out in front of his freshly excavated curb strip. “I don’t know Dave very well since he kinda keeps to himself, but I’ve always thought he had sort of a ‘daddy’ vibe,” said Biffer. “I mean he just looks like under that clean-cut suit and tie exterior that he would absolutely tear you apart…or whatever.”

Chicago Genius reporters also spoke with Tim Mack, 27, who lives on the second floor of Dave’s duplex. 

“Look, I don’t want to get too R-rated here, but let’s just say, I’ve heard some of Dave’s, um, activities though my floor, and I really try not to listen in too much, but he really sounds like this guy that I used to see at a monthly dungeon night I attended with my ex-boyfriend. In fact, I’m pretty sure that Dave and ‘Master Bruce’ are the same person. But of course, that’s none of my business.”

At press time, several other unidentified North Leavitt Street neighbors were seen peering into Dave’s basement windows and apparently taking photos with their cell phones. Dave has still not returned to his parking space nor removed his glossy black sex furniture from the parking space, but is reported to have been spotted in the Loop wearing what one onlooker described as “a low-key sexy leather face mask” alongside his pinstriped black suit. ​

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