Riot Fest Attendees Announce Plans to Take It Easy; Not Push Themselves Too Much This Year

September 16, 2022

DOUGLASS PARK - Still recovering from July’s exhausting, mostly seated Rage Against the Machine show, Riot Fest ticketholders have finalized intentions to “hang out in the back” and “try and find some shade” at the upcoming three-day music festival, which can be a lot for someone who doesn’t really do that anymore. 

Millennials and young-at-heart-but-not-in-knees Gen-Xers, once going entire Warped Tours without drinking a single $10 bottle of water, have traded the not-a-phase punk lifestyle of their youth for heartburn, responsibility, and waking up at 6am regardless of what time you went to bed.  

“Oh I’ll for sure stay for The Misfits Saturday, but I’ll probably leave a bit early to beat traffic” said Mike Wilson, 43, owner of a bike shop in Avondale. “I don’t want to keep the babysitter too late, and I’d like to get some gardening done first thing in the morning.”

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Festival organizers, concerned with the liability of aging bodies filled with unresolved angst, have announced increased medical personnel in case anyone pulls something in the pit, or if the music awakens some teenage trauma that you never really dealt with. 

Despite concerns, the additional aid may go unused since the current forecast show a 40% lighter mosh level than years past, in addition to barely anyone riding rail. 

Retailers for Converse therapeutic inserts and mohawk toupees will be present on the festival grounds, however patrons are advised that even with assistive devices, if you Hardcore Dance over the age of 30 you are merely robbing your future self of any comfort in your office chair for at least two weeks.  

Several ticket holders have joined a Douglas Park resident petition to end the festival at 7pm, including Terresa Mayfield, 31, a Logan Square Elementary School Teacher with tasteful tattoos- “I don’t want to take a vacation day to recover, won’t it be cold past dark?” 

“Fuck it, my hangovers last 3 days anyway” she added. “I’ll put a movie on Monday. Do they make PBR Lite?”

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