"They offered us Navy Pier, but you really can’t hold this event that close to seagulls."
“Oh I’ll for sure stay for The Misfits Saturday, but I’ll probably leave a bit early to beat traffic” said Mike Wilson, 43, owner of a bike shop in Avondale. “I don’t want to keep the babysitter too late, and I’d like to get some gardening done first thing in the morning.”
After the news broke, Chicagoans began stocking up for the years of devastation that will follow the years of Bad Bunny and Loona. Residents citywide cracked open their grain silos to fill with Italian beef, with mothers jarring giardiniera and children carrying pails of Malort from the local well.
They’ll judge you for age, your haircut, and for not knowing the lyrics of the songs by rock duo “Wet Leg.”
Inspired by the Metra promotion, the CTA hopes to increase Gen Z ridership with its new slogan “Buses are Bussin’, No Cap”, despite being labeled cringe.
“We needed to create a space where queer people could feel loved without worrying about corporations hijacking their identities or fascists policing their bodies. We also needed a space where I could get some bomb head.”
“I’m flying back to Colorado through O’Hare, I can’t wait to tell everyone I meet that I met DV.”
“I’m starting to sweat just thinking about it, I’d better have another glass of water,” said Bragg, refilling one of three glasses of water in front of him during our interview. “The real trick is staying hydrated enough that I don’t turn into a withered husk and collapse into a pile of dust like one of the bad treasure hunters in Brendan Fraiser’s The Mummy without ever having to go stand in line for an hour to pee in a sauna-like port-a-john.”
“Look at them. All glittered up and nowhere to go. I want these white people to know that they can use their party drugs while social distancing and still get the same legally-overlooked high as they would at Lolla.”