CHICAGO – Foxtrot Market and Dom’s Kitchen & Market have announced plans for combining their two brands into one entity. The Chicago furry community however, is left wanting more, as they so often are, upon realizing that the new consolidation won’t be dubbed ‘DomFox.”
When this joining of posh grocery royalty was announced to the general public, most Chicagoans didn’t bat an eye, because they can’t afford to shop at either Foxtrot or Dom’s anyway. But a select number of opinionated midwest furries are filled with, well, fury over this integration. “I knew it was too good to be true,” Ali Blaine, 24, complained to our sources. “There were rumors that finally, the Fox Furries that are on the dominant end of the dom/sub dichotomy, were going to have a platform. Not only a platform, but a high-end, curated selection of quality foods and drinks. But no, once again we’ve been silenced.”
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“We know we can’t depend on the general public to recognize us for who we are, but for a brief moment we thought maybe we could depend on the privately owned grocery sector,” Nathan Olison, 45, who’s fursona is a polar bear able to look past ice cap collapse and focus on a life as “Arctic Zaddy,” chimed in to our reporters. “They’ve let me down again. Now I’ll have to go somewhere else for my Rosemary CBD Infused Herbal Body Butter.” We asked them what other establishment sells such a specific item, but they put on their fuzzy white fursuit head and galloped back into the circle of strikers outside the Dom’s on Halsted.
A member of the community overheard our interviews with Olison and Blaine and put in her two cents. “Look, I don’t want to ‘yuck’ anyone’s ‘yum’ but to have blatantly sexualized animals promoting something as pure and family-friendly as a grocery store, is honestly disgusting.” Dana Cragril, 39, angrily voiced. “You should be ashamed of yourselves. My kids Saddle and WestElm go to Foxtrot all the time to pick up wine for Mommy, and if they’re going to be indoctrinated into this sick and twisted perverted lifestyle, then I’ll send them to Binny’s instead.” We tried to assure Cragil that there was actually no furry activity going on at all at her beloved gentrified bodegas, but she scoffed and doxxed our reporter via Nextdoor.
In conclusion, after much uproar on both sides of the issue, Dom’s and Foxtrot’s partnership will not feature a buff and leather clad Canidae.
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Update: New data delivered to us has revealed that (and this is completely real and not satire at all), that the merger is being dubbed “OutFox Hospitality.” A win for gay foxes, everywhere.
