Graceland Cemetery Fundraising With Eternal Silence Kissing Booth

October 7, 2021

GRACELAND CEMETERY — In an effort to raise money, Graceland Cemetery’s board of trustees is hosting a fundraising event this Friday, complete with a kissing booth hosted by the famed Dexter Graves monument, popularly known as Eternal Silence. 

Eternal Silence, 112, has long been a main graveyard attraction, often drawing visitors hoping to look into his eyes and foresee their own deaths. “So we’re taking that existing appeal, and remixing it with some really fun flirty Halloween visuals,” said Graceland marketing exec Patty Servantis, 32, in a team video conference earlier this week. “How can we reimagine our biggest stars in new and exciting ways, maybe through kissing or even second base? These are the kinds of questions I’m interested in unpacking with the fundraising committee.”

Flyers for the event are currently papering the gates surrounding the cemetery, and Servantis has arranged for a local marching band to play funeral marches to rustle up some foot traffic. “So everyone’s going to be wandering in, walking around and enjoying the music and tombs, and then—Eternal Silence, waiting to give you a nice kiss!”

Some members of the planning committee have expressed concerns about the mystery surrounding Eternal Silence’s mouth and lips, and their kissing potential. “He’s always got his arm up hiding his mouth,” complained volunteer Aaron Peters, 54. “His lips might be chapped under there, or he might have a weird cupid’s bow or a cold sore. There’s just too many questions for me to fully sign off on this.”

The statue, known to have remained celibate during the entirety of his existance, will be opening his lips to the public for the first time: a cause both for celebration and concern. “Can he kiss?” Peters asked. “Does he even have a tongue? If yes, how big is it? If his tongue is too thin, this is going to be a PR disaster.”

Despite internal complaints, the event is proceeding apace, with large curtains being hung around the Eternal Silence monument for the kissers’ privacy. “If you’re lucky, he’ll open his eyes when he kisses you and you’ll be able to see the moment you die mid-smooch,” noted Servantis excitedly. “I’m not sure whether we should charge extra for that or not.”

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