LINCOLN PARK — In a press release Monday morning, officials at the Lincoln Park Zoo issued a third official apology for the recent string of catalytic converter thefts in Chicago, confirming that the perpetrator was once again zoo resident “Greasy,” a 2-year-old raccoon obsessed with hoarding the essential car parts.
Greasy, who has already been convicted several times on counts of larceny, destruction of property, and grand theft auto, has again spent the summer accumulating an impressive pile of parts at his Lincoln Park Zoo habitat. Zoo officials have found it “nigh impossible” to contain Greasy’s criminal streak.
“He’s under maximum security these days, and he still manages to terrorize the entire city,” said Lincoln Park Zoo spokesperson Ray Amniota, 53, to the Chicago Genius Herald. “We’re at a total loss. Nothin’ left to throw at him.”
City officials confirmed that attempts to apprehend Greasy following his latest spree have proved ineffective, despite Greasy’s continued residence at a fortified lair within the Lincoln Park Zoo. “He’s built himself a veritable fortress of car parts in there,” said Chicago Police lieutenant Gerry Poots, 60. “He started with yer standard concrete raccoon habitat and now it’s a fortified bastion of Subaru chassis and roll bars.” Poots reassured Chicago residents that Greasy “means you no harm” but remains an “active and uncontained threat that the Chicago P.D.is utterly unprepared to face.”
According to undercover research from field biologists working with the Peggy Notebaert Nature Museum, the diminutive master thief has reportedly deputized the larger rodent population of Chicago to do his bidding. Chicago’s raccoons, rabbits, and squirrels are under orders to steal valuable car parts, gasoline, and even copper fixtures from homes in order to fuel Greasy’s empire of crime.
The zoo has not yet determined the source of Greasy’s obsession, although Amniota speculated that “as a lifelong connoisseur of garbage,” Greasy likely is well aware of the black market value of such items, making him a “dangerously well-informed and savvy crime lord” and a “criminal successor to Chicago’s most infamous gangsters.”
Although zoo and city representatives seem universally cowed to Greasy’s tiny, opposable grip, the Genius Herald would like to remind Chicagoans that there remains a silver (or rather, a platinum and rhodium) lining to our grim new reality: this summer may be Greasy’s last. “Raccoons typically don’t live past three years,” said Amniota, shrugging. “so we’re probably good after this winter.”