GRANT PARK—To the glee of teenage J-Hope stans and dismay of every public transit rider, Mayor Lori Lightfoot announced this month that Lollapalooza is here to stay. Specifically, the Chicago Park District finalized a deal to host 10 more years of the long-running music festival, and then 10 years of famine on a devastating, biblical scale.
“I’m happy to announce 10 more years of music, of vibrant culture, and of celebration for the great city of Chicago,” said Lightfoot. “And I’m even more excited to announce 10 years of starvation, destitution, and acute malnutrition for the people of Chicago.”
After the news broke, Chicagoans began stocking up for the years of devastation that will follow the years of Bad Bunny and Loona. Residents citywide cracked open their grain silos to fill with Italian beef, with mothers jarring giardiniera and children carrying pails of Malort from the local well.
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On the bright side, Lolla organizers promised Genius Herald reporters that future festivals would boast even bigger stars than this year’s Dua Lipa, J. Cole, and Green Day headliners, while famine organizers also assured they’d have the star power to follow up the decade of prosperity.
“We’re in talks with Wildfires, which is pretty huge in California right now, especially with the younger generation,” said CEO of Human Suffering Fitz Wheatley, 42. “Of course, we’re always gonna bring back classics like Locusts, which might be before your time, or more underground stuff like Inevitable Consequences of Capitalism. If all else fails, we can always book Jack Harlow.”
While most Chicagoans feared an eventual decade of food scarcity and destabilization, others admitted that mass death, societal breakdown, and horrors unknown were a fair trade for less drunk trust fund kids in public parks. Some even expressed indifference in the face of famine, citing climate change and income discrepancies.
“Yeah, not having enough food to eat is pretty bad, I guess,” said part-time barista, part-time server, and part-time Lyft driver Angelica Johnson, 27. “It’s like a never-ending nightmare, where every waking moment you’re in hell, you know? Like death is, if anything, a blessing from the eternal torture, like the only thing you look forward to is the day you close your eyes and sleep forever? Not to mention—what? What do you mean it hasn’t started yet?”