Lollapalooza

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Chicago Signs Deal For 10 More Years of Lollapalooza, Then 10 Years of Famine

After the news broke, Chicagoans began stocking up for the years of devastation that will follow the years of Bad Bunny and Loona. Residents citywide cracked open their grain silos to fill with Italian beef, with mothers jarring giardiniera and children carrying pails of Malort from the local well.

Chicago Woman Emotionally Prepares for the “Mean Teens” of Lollapalooza

They’ll judge you for age, your haircut, and for not knowing the lyrics of the songs by rock duo “Wet Leg.” 

Metra Plans High School Kegger Trains to Promote Lollapalooza Ridership

Inspired by the Metra promotion, the CTA hopes to increase Gen Z ridership with its new slogan “Buses are Bussin’, No Cap”, despite being labeled cringe.

Man Starts Hydrating for Lollapalooza Now

“I’m starting to sweat just thinking about it, I’d better have another glass of water,” said Bragg, refilling one of three glasses of water in front of him during our interview. “The real trick is staying hydrated enough that I don’t turn into a withered husk and collapse into a pile of dust like one of the bad treasure hunters in Brendan Fraiser’s The Mummy without ever having to go stand in line for an hour to pee in a sauna-like port-a-john.”

Headliners JB and The Pritzkers Insist They Earned Their Spot At Lollapalooza Just Like Everybody Else

When asked about the disparity between their plum spot in the Lolla lineup and their <1,000 Spotify streams, Linda Pritzer rolled her professionally whitened eyes. “Listen, we sent in an audition CD just like everybody else.”