WEST LOOP—Exactly one week after Mayor Lori Lightfoot vanished from the public eye due to a big wreck, a mysterious racecar driver and overall bad boy named Racer L has vowed to clean up drag racers plaguing Chicago’s city streets. Racer L, age unknown, announced they would show the renegade racers who’s boss by placing first in the Windy City’s upcoming Grand Prix, an international event that will pit L against the world’s most famous drag racecar drivers.
Donning their signature helmet and oversized racing suit, Racer L gave a warning to their rogues’ gallery of rival racers ahead of the Grand Prix.
“I’ve got the biggest dick in Chicago,” said an impassioned Racer L, “and my car’s got the biggest dick in Chicago, and the wheels each have bigger dicks than all the other drivers.”
The enigmatic maverick’s sudden appearance has captivated Chicagoans citywide, most of all the late Lori Lightfoot’s younger brother Speed Lightfoot, 17, who had always dreamed of following in his older sister’s footsteps as mayor of Chicago and also professional racecar driver, which she sort of did on the side.
Speed explained to Genius Herald reporters that the last time he saw Lori, she was in hot water with corrupt drag racing mogul Big Moneyton, 54.
“That new driver, Racer L, it’s almost as if…” said Speed in a brief aside. “The way they drive, the way they talk, the way they love exorbitant police budgets and extremely unpopular policy decisions…no! No, it can’t be!”
Beating the competition at the Grand Prix will be no easy task, as Racer L faces an array of cutthroat drivers desperate to defend their right to get a little silly on the city streets now and then. Chief among the challengers are the fiery Sammy “Sport” Pepper, the zig-zagging Chip “Wriggly” Field, and a pedagogical drag racing team known as the Screechin’ Teachin’ Union.
“Four score and seven years ago—I crushed the competition!” said Samantha “Lincoln” Park, 37, whose whole deal is self-evident. “I’m gonna emancipate Racer L—from being alive! Ha ha ha! But really, could I get a couple bucks for gas? I went way over budget putting a big beard that’s also spikes on my car.”
As the city waits with bated breath for an end to drag racing, residents claimed to spot Racer L brooding near Chicago landmarks, often dispensing cryptic wisdom. Genius Herald reporters most recently found them telling Speed Lightfoot that they should believe in themself before fining the young driver $500 for being out past curfew.