Mysterious Racer L Vows to End Chicago Drag Racing One Week After Mayor Lightfoot Disappears in Big Wreck
The enigmatic maverick’s sudden appearance has captivated Chicagoans citywide, most of all the late Lori Lightfoot’s younger brother Speed Lightfoot, 17, who had always dreamed of following in his older sister’s footsteps as mayor of Chicago and also professional racecar driver, which she sort of did on the side.
“If there was a bridge we could have raised to keep them here, we would have raised it.”
At press time, Lightfoot was reportedly working on an executive order to replace riot control’s metal batons with ones made from banana trees.
“Trust me, the idea to install bridges and raise them to send a message to the CTU makes way more sense than when she wanted to install bridges to block COVID instead of reinstituting the mask mandate.”
Mayor Lightfoot Declares Chicago Will Reopen for July 4th After Making Trip to Indiana to Buy Fireworks
“I can only confirm that the Mayor is ready for this city to get back to normal, and that her cookout this year is going to be, according to her, ‘lit.’”
“I’ve heard the voices of our citizens in the streets, and while I cannot defund the police, I can re-fun the police!”
Strike Over! Lori Lightfoot Has Announced She's Giving Chicago Teachers Tickets To Imagine Dragons At Lincoln Yards
“That’s...not actually how any of this works,” said a nonplussed rep for the CTU, presumably stunned into speechlessness by the opportunity to see the pop megastars responsible for “Radioactive,” “Thunder” and “Whatever It Takes.” “We’re currently still negotiating. Mayor Lightfoot can’t just...we’re not interested in tickets to Imagine Dragons.”