MONTROSE BEACH—Heartbroken birders from across the city gathered Wednesday evening to mourn the loss of Chicago bird icon Monty the Piping Plover, a sparrow-sized celebrity who died May 13 due to a fatal case of avian swag overload.
Schmonty the Piping Hypebeast, as he was known to veteran birders, gained notoriety for his species rarity, captivating confidence, and dedication to a swagged out brand, the latter unfortunately leading to his downfall.
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“It’s a foundational rule of birding,” said avian behavioral expert Pete Mitchell, 34. “If you see a bird with swag, drip, or fat pussy energy, odds are that species is more endangered than a cheugy bird, a basic bitch like a house sparrow or rock dove.”
Fans of Monty first sensed danger when the plover started behaving oddly the morning of his death.
“We noticed him stumbling a bit and not really acting himself,” said amateur birder Jill Trill, 21. “No snapchats, no insta stories, and he missed brunch with the squad at his main spot, the place downtown that serves the best worms.”
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At the memorial, birders from all squawks of life commiserated over Monty’s passing, reminiscing on how one little plover brought them all together. Old and young, near and far, Chicagoans from every community spoke on Monty’s swag.
“Monty slayed. Monty served. Monty ate that,” said iconic gay birder Brick Stillman, 87. “Monty accepted me from the moment we met in the club bathroom. He supported me in my highs and lows. When I had nowhere else to go, Monty welcomed me into his home, even if it was just a small pit of sand, gravel, and crushed seashells.”
Monty is survived by his mate—or “bae” in birding terminology—Rose, as well as their two chicks, Siewka and Imani. Siewka recently founded an organization for marginalized birds with good vibes off the charts, and Imani will inherit a lifestyle brand from his late father.
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“Tweet tweet tweekle tweek tweeter tweet,” said Imani Piping Plover, 1, “Tweetsy peep peep peeper tweet sweet sweet peep sponsorship.”
In the wake of Monty’s passing, many birders promise to celebrate and appreciate Chicago’s other avian living landmark, Derek the Great Blue Heron Who Fucks Hard.
