Paul Vallas Begins Looking For Subletter for Bridgeport Apartment

April 5, 2023

BRIDGEPORT — In the wake of a failed bid for Mayor of Chicago, Paul Vallas is reportedly looking for a subletter for his apartment in Chicago’s Bridgeport neighborhood. In a post on Craigslist and his campaign website, Vallas is reportedly looking for someone to take over the lease while he “travels and clears his head away from the city.” 

The candidate signed a lease on the apartment in January 2022 as part of an effort to “immerse” himself in Chicago. Sources close to Vallas say he was hiding from former teachers from New Orleans, and had even considered changing his name to “Val Paulas.”

“I told him telling folks you lived in Bridgeport, but had an actual house in Palos Heights was a mistake,” said Winslow Louis, 55, an advisor to the Vallas campaign who plans on convincing Willie Wilson to run for “whatever” next cycle. ”People in this city don’t want to hear that you have enough money for a mortgage and rent. They also don’t want to know how you only see your wife once a week. That’s the kind of detail that makes voters think ‘if his wife doesn’t want to see him, why should I vote for him?’”

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Political experts and even complete laymen have theorized that Vallas liking several social media posts calling Chicago a “hell hole” and “the kind of city where idiots will vote for anyone” may have damaged his campaign and probably contributed to his brief stint in Chicago city limits.

“I mean, I feel like he lost everyone when he said Wrigleyville was downtown,” said Alice Greenplatt, 32, a former crypto influencer turned bartender. “People in this city get really weird about local geography. Everyone loved his idea of making old cops come out of retirement like The Expendables, but thinking Wrigley is downtown is like dipping an Italian beef in ketchup to these freaks.”

In his post looking for a subletter, Vallas claims he’s leaving the city to “get a fresh perspective.” He’s stated he plans to travel, but not to Chile, Haiti, Philadelphia, New Orleans, or really any place he’s previously worked, for undisclosed safety reasons.

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