Chicagoans Brace for Record-Breaking Radiator Heat Wave

December 22, 2022

CHICAGO — As temperatures drop into the single and negative digits this weekend, Chicagoans are bracing for loud clanging and uncomfortably warm nights in their apartments as the cold weather brings a radiator heat wave across the city. 

“We’re looking at a real chance for a ‘shorts and tee Christmas’,“ said Paul Morris, 64, a room temperature expert. “Temperatures could be in the high 80’s in bedrooms across the city, so we’re issuing a warning to people who sleep under down comforters and heavy blankets to do so with caution, you might be waking up sweaty.”

According to Morris and the Radiator Council, a sudden radiator heat wave can catch people unaware, especially when the weather outside is “frightful.” 

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“You need to be ready for when the heat really comes on,” said Morris. “You're going to want to remove any thick socks you might have thought you needed. You’re going to want to turn on the subtitles for whatever you’re watching, because it’s probably going to get loud.”

“Many people don’t realize how hot these radiators can get. When they’re really going, you could crack an egg on a radiator and it would cook,” continued Morris, “not that you would, but if you did. I also don’t recommend walking barefoot on your radiator. Again, you wouldn’t, but you also shouldn’t.”

During past radiator heat waves, people have reported having to open a window to bring the internal temperature of their apartments down to comfortable levels. To aid those whose windows have been painted shut by sloppy landlords, the city has announced it will be opening cooling centers around Chicago. 

Stay warm/cool out there, Chicago!

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