City Runs Out of Salt, Covers Ground in Herbes de Provence

February 17, 2022

THE LOOP — Due to the season’s heavy snowfall, the city of Chicago has run out of salt and started covering the ground with herbes de Provence. 

“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” reported city spokesperson Jasmine Shelton, 36, while dusting the sidewalks of Michigan Avenue with spoonfuls of dried herbs. “When Morton Salt informed us that the salt supplies were low, we knew that in order to keep Chicagoans safe on the streets, we were going to have to improvise. Thankfully, Chicago knows a thing or two about improv. So, we skated over to the spice section in Mariano’s and grabbed the first thing we could find: a bunch of herbes de Provence.”

Freddie Davis, 47, a product specialist at Morton Salt, expressed some concerns with the city’s new tactic.

Thanks to our sponsors:

“This herb-an solution is not going to help at all,” scoffed Davis while dejectedly ripping into an unsalted pretzel. “There’s nothing that a blend of marjoram, rosemary, thyme, oregano, and lavender will do chemically to break down snow or ice. That being said, I must admit the city has never smelled better.”

Andrew Casey, 59, a life-long resident of Ravenswood, is quite pleased with the change.

“As a guy who eats a lot of snow, this is literally a blessing from above” chuckled Casey as he scooped handfuls of snow from the sidewalk into a bowl. “The old stuff was so salty that I was developing major heart problems. Not only is this snow healthier, but it’s delicious! Every single slushy bite tastes just like the coq au vin I ate on the coast of France once, back when I still ate food that wasn’t snow, of course.”

If the ice situation does not improve by tomorrow, city officials intend to add smoked paprika, freshly cracked black pepper, and garam masala to the mix.

Follow us

Sign up for the best of The Chicago Genius sent straight to your inbox.