CHICAGO RIVER — In a hasty cover-up, City Officials scramble to explain the large quantities of mystery blood congealing in the Chicago River by announcing “We dyed it red for Valentine’s Day!”
“Good news, everyone!” panted city council member Jacob Bogue, 45, visibly out of breath and sporting several nasty scratch wounds as he staggered to a press conference podium. “Here on the third coast, we love love, so we’re deciding to celebrate the most romantic and red-centric holiday with a river to match.” With tired and panicked eyes, Bogue went on to detail the history behind the color red being associated with amorous activities as other officials whispered ominously to each other in the background.
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The blood, confirmed to be O Negative by local blood sommelier Amanda Patterson, 29, has not yet been linked back to a source.
“It’s continuing to stick to itself and float at the top of the water in some kind of dark plague cloud,” confirmed river historian Jose Andrade, 62. “The few people who’ve tried to touch it have gone insane and tried to eat all of their household’s grapefruit spoons. And when you get too close the blood forms itself into a big claw and scratches you right in the face. To my knowledge, this sort of thing hasn’t happened since 1994.”
As city aides bought RIT dye from Michael’s and scattered rosebuds along the river’s shores, Bogue brainstormed with local Genius Bars and Geek Squads about crisis contingency plans. “We can’t close the river this week. If people can’t come down here to enjoy the river, they’ll be glad to go to the beaches of Cape Cod, the Hamptons or Long Island. My God! We’re a Valentine’s Day town! We’ll be ruined!”
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Hordes of lovers preparing to come and enjoy the newly red river weren’t off-put by the extensive clotting and putrid scent of the new attraction. “It’s so nice to get outside,” agreed Matt Atkins, 32, who drove with his girlfriend Alicia Franklin, 35, to downtown to take in the scene. “The color red is really important to us as a couple because we really like fire trucks, so we’re beyond excited about this.”
At press time, several couples were overheard coming up with excuses to run home and snack on a few grapefruit spoons before dinner.
