St. Patrick's Day

The Latest

City Expands St. Paddy’s Dye To All of Lake Michigan

“What they could never see coming is dyeing one quadrillion gallons of water a bright, resplendent green. That’s right, one quadrillion. That’s a real number, you can check.” 

Chicago Admits St. Patrick’s Day Parade Held a Week Early So They Can Really Focus On Drinking This Weekend

“After internal discussions within our department and weighing the needs of our team and the citizens of Chicago, we decided ‘who needs all that shit?”

Green Dye Filtered Out of River and Returned to Chicago’s Relish Supply

The vibrant green dye will now be returned to where it belongs, our city’s relish supply.

Fuck, Saint Patricks Day Parade Is Cancelled! Can You Help Save the Day by Solving These Four Math Problems?

For his friend’s exorcism, King Virus buys 4 cans of anchovies, each containing 10 anchovies. The King supplies each of his friends with 3 anchovies, and then he eats 6 anchovies himself. He now has 4 anchovies left. How many friends did King Virus give anchovies to?

“We Dyed It Red For Valentine’s Day!” Says City Official Hastily Covering Up Mystery Blood In Chicago River

The blood, confirmed to be O Negative by local blood sommelier Amanda Patterson, 29, has not yet been linked back to a source.