CHICAGO — As the river finally fades back from “kelly green” to its usual “ominous murk green,” Chicago can consider this year’s St. Patrick’s parade and river dyeing a success. With the official holiday today, some are asking why the city-sanctioned celebration was held almost a week early. Chicago officials confirmed that the decision to have the parade last Saturday was made to free up time so everyone could really focus on drinking this weekend.
“Man, putting on a parade is fucking hard as shit,” said Chris Davidoff, 33, from Chicago’s Department of Cultural Affairs and Special Events, “St. Patrick’s Day is Friday night, the last thing I’m going to be able to do is wake up at 4 a.m. to make sure all the streets are blocked off and the police horses’ manes look pretty.”
Citing the difficulty in running a city-wide celebration while blackout drunk and general disinterest in the “wholesome” parts of St. Patrick’s Day, higher-ups at DCASE said the decision was an easy one.
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“After internal discussions within our department and weighing the needs of our team and the citizens of Chicago, we decided ‘who needs all that shit?,’” said Helen Borata, 48, Manager of Operations at DCASE. “With the parade out of the way, Chicagoans can put all that energy into the true meaning of St. Patrick’s Day: getting as wrecked as possible.”
“I guess I did think it was a little weird to have it a week before the actual holiday,” said Ted Carter, 46, a mechanic, “but then I realized I could get drunk all day and not have my wife and kids on my ass about going to see a river turn green. This honestly might be the best thing the city has ever done for us.”
With the parade out of the way, Chicagoans are free this weekend to start drinking early and stay drunk longer. City officials say to take full advantage of the time they’ve given us, and recommend starting to drink as early as possible so you can sober up enough to really throw down on Saturday night.
“We got all the kiddie bullshit out of the way,” said Dr. Mary Arwady, Commissioner of the Department of Public Health, “so everyone needs to really fucking party. The DPH recommends double fisting, chugging, and doing shots of whatever you’re handed without question. Skip eating, an empty stomach is only going to make it easier to blackout. Let’s make this a St. Patrick’s Day no one remembers!”
“I went out last week because I thought that was going to be it,” said Laura Pollins, 26, an office assistant, “but I guess I did kind of phone it in. I could have been drunker, I could have made worse decisions. I’m going to really focus myself this weekend and be the drunkest Laura I can be. Just a real messy bitch.”
“I think that’s what St. Patrick would have wanted.”