NAPERVILLE — Good news for our neighbors in the southwest suburbs! According to a recent study, Naperville, IL, ranks as the “Safest Small City With a Dark Secret” in the nation. That means crime is at a historic low in the city of nearly 150K, and if you knew the reason why you’d be horrified!
“We were ecstatic to hear the news,” said Steve Chirico, mayor of Naperville since 2015, when the previous mayor disappeared, “we value safety and happiness here in Naperville. Some have even said too much!”
After his comments, we at The Chicago Genius Herald asked who he was referring to and he sat perfectly still for almost a full minute before saying “they don’t live… here anymore.”
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Naperville was the only city from Illinois in the top five “Safest Small City With a Dark Secret,” but Joliet, IL made 8th on the list for the first time since rumors swirled that there was a secret underground prison under the closed Joliet Correctional Center.
Others in the top five included West Covina, CA, where all the residents have adopted the name “George Branson” for unknown reasons, Glendale, AZ, where the mayor insists that he is not a vampire, and Brigadoon, KY, which wasn’t on any maps of the US until 2021 and could not be reached for comment.
“I’ve lived in small cities most of my life,” said Carter Stevenson, 53, a resident of Naperville since 2005, “they all have some dark secret behind why the streets are so clean or the parks are so lush. You have to just pay it no mind, you don’t want to get swept up in the mystery. That’s why I left Midland, TX! I just had to go askin’ about the strange lights in the sky at night, couldn’t just leave it alone!”
“I don’t care if everyone here’s a pod person or a Stepford Wife or if there’s a dang eldritch horror under city hall. I don’t want to know!” Stevenson cried.
As of press time, Mayor Chirico had announced he would be meeting with the mayors of surrounding Aurora, IL and Downers Grove, IL to “spread our message of safety and happiness” before laughing ominously for almost a full minute.